Get some real perspective before making move

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This article was published 24/02/2024 (900 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My cousin and his wife finally split up after Christmas. She’s a wonderful woman and deserves way better than the crap he gave her. She and I became close friends and confidants when my cousin was cheating on her. She felt a growing pull towards me, but we managed to keep it cool. But now she’s finally going to be free of him!

I can tell you I’m lonely and very single. Still, I’m not in any hurry for the messed-up “marital bliss” I see around me. How can she and I manage the difficult time ahead of us? She wants me as much as I want her, but she wants to be legally free first, and doesn’t want my greedy cousin to punish her in the divorce. He will, if he can — I know this jerk too well.

I’m totally miserable right now. However, I do have single friends and unspent holiday savings from before COVID. Please help!

— Deeply Upset, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Deeply Upset: Your cousin’s breakup happened barely two months ago, and no divorce has been finalized yet. It’s too soon to start dating his wife. Luckily, you have some money to spend. So, consider going on an active and unusual holiday, to alleviate some of that stress.

You need a unique challenge; look for a skiing trip, or deep-sea fishing or diving if that interests you. Look for trips that will totally occupy your concentration and energy for a few weeks, so you can come home in a calmer, more controlled state, with a larger worldview than when you left.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a “real man” in his 30s a few weeks ago at a political event. We were arguing about policies and other social issues, and it was unusual fun — a big turn-on. He invited me out to dinner afterward. Of course, there were lots of drinks!

It got later and we got looser, and the conversation got around to love and sex. I was OK with knowing he’d had more sex partners than me, as I’ve only had three in my whole life. He wouldn’t give me his number, so I pushed. He sighed loudly and said, “I quit counting at 50.”

I drove home, trying to even imagine that. What sexually transmitted infections might I catch from a guy like this? Still, he’s a charming, intelligent and funny person — and those qualities aren’t easy to find. I could tell he was really turned on by me. But that leaves one big problem: If I do decide to start dating him, I’d have to insist on him being tested for STIs. How do you tell that to a mature, experienced guy? By the way, I’m in my early 20s, and he’s in his mid-30s.

— Not Any Man’s Fool, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Not Any Man’s Fool: If you ask debating date to go for STI testing, and to show you the results, he might see the point logically, but may be annoyed about you wanting that much control.

Trust and a considerable age difference are two big issues here. The person taking the biggest chances will be you.

If you do start dating him, you’ll also want him to be exclusive right off the top, and to keep using condoms for protection against STIs.

If you think this could be a sticking point, you may want to keep this charming fellow in the friend zone.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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