Don’t let shame prevent you from reaching out

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/12/2023 (971 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m feeling bad again this Christmas because I have hurt and disappointed a lot of people in my old circle of family and friends — eight people, but who’s counting. I feel too guilty to call and say Merry Christmas or Happy New Year, even though I used to get invited to their homes for years. I didn’t go then, and I don’t want to go now — because I’m still drinking like a fool, and unemployed.

I don’t want to be asked, “How are you feeling?” or “What are you doing for work these days?” The truth is I’m never working for pay. Also, I’m still drinking and being supported by a woman who deserves better. She comes from an alcoholic family and loves me as I am — not abusive like her family was, just a drinker.

This time of year, I get her to bring in the mail to me, after she’s read it! I don’t want to get startled by a family member begging to see me, or save me, or pay big bucks somewhere to help me quit drinking. I am aware this is cowardly, but I have no good news to relay that they’d like to hear.

This year I feel a little differently from other years, as I had a milestone birthday. I was wondering if you might have a halfway solution to give my mother and oldest sister some reassurance I am alive and OK, but still continue to guard my privacy.

I sure don’t want visits from anybody! I just want to tell them they can rest easy, and know that I still think of them, and love them. I may live in the same city, but I wish to remain…

— Their ‘Distant’ Relative, Winnipeg

Dear Distant: If you have the addresses for your family, you can still send cards to the ones you care about, wishing them a Happy New Year, and assuring them you’re OK. It’d really help your mother, and others who care about you, to periodically get notes, even if you don’t give out your home address. You might say that you think of them, and hope they are well and healthy, but that you need to stay distant for now.

I can tell you personally, as a mother, that I’d certainly sleep better if I got periodic notes from a son or daughter who left the family circle, even if they didn’t give their present address to me. On the other hand, you should know some adult children who have hit hard times — perhaps addicted, unemployed, mentally ill or even in jail — do secretly see a certain parent, grandparent or beloved sibling, in secret. Why? Because they still care deeply, as you still care, yourself.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: At our company Christmas party, I ran right into a real jerk — my old boss from my first job in our big company. He’s now overseeing a totally different department in a different building. He spotted me and waved me over. I couldn’t snub him, so I went. He was drunk, and said loudly, “Well, who do have we here — is this “dough-head?” Hahaha!”

That was what he used to call me when I was new and made mistakes.

He had a familiar red-haired woman tucked possessively under his arm. I was shocked! I knew her intimately from those days, and the crazy things we used to do together at my place after work. I gave her a wink and my old signal for, “Call you when I get home!” I didn’t call her, but I still feel like it. Should I?

— Tempted to Settle a Score, St. James

Dear Tempted: Fate has a strange way of presenting people with opportunities to get even — or walk away. You’ve risen in the ranks within this company, and long ago got away from this boss who used to humiliate you.

You should not consider chasing after the woman on his arm for one minute, particularly since you haven’t been seeing her recently yourself. Instead, invest your energy in continuing to rise elsewhere in the company, and in seeing how far you can go.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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