Don’t push old friend over altered appearance

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/12/2023 (1046 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just ran into an old work friend I hadn’t seen for almost 20 years at a big Christmas party. He looked like he’d been through the wars! He had a badly-scarred face — not acne scars, but something more rugged. I almost didn’t recognize him.

Still, he talked the same and told great jokes, and made everybody laugh — a super guy. I was attracted to his personality as I’d always had been, but I’ve been haunted by the way he looked at the party ever since. We didn’t get to talk much, as he was busy taking people’s numbers for a New Year’s party he’s having himself.

He phoned my number two days later to talk about his upcoming bash with live music, saying he really hoped I’d come. It was all I could do to stop myself from asking, “Yes I’ll come, but please could you tell me what happened to you?” I’ve been thinking maybe illness, a burn, a stroke, drugs? How should I handle this when I see him at his New Year’s Eve party?

— Still Shocked, northwest Winnipeg

Dear Shocked: Don’t handle it at his New Year’s party — definitely not the time and place! It’s part of human nature to get used to people’s looks — even those that are shocking at first — especially once you know the back story. But it would be too harsh to ask the party host, “What happened to your face?”

It’s also likely this fellow fills people in on his startling appearance when he’s alone with them. So, just be patient. He clearly likes you and will tell you as soon as it’s a good time to talk about it — perhaps an afternoon coffee situation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My young wife sat me down this week and told me she didn’t want to “waste 2024 on our useless marriage.” I tried hard not to smile. I closed my eyes, and said to myself, “Yes! I’m finally going to be free, and she’s initiating it. Couldn’t be better.”

She said, “What are you smiling about?” Then she told me she’s “in love” with a younger man, and leaving me. That would have been fine, as I need to get away from her, but then she dropped a bigger bomb — the name of the guy.

It’s my young mechanic friend who’s been here, working on my car with me in my garage, several nights a week. I must admit we’d drink some beers and I’d unload on him with my personal problems with my wife, and he’d sympathize. Now I know he was using that information to get to her! It’s a good thing I’m not a violent man.

I don’t want this woman anymore, but now I don’t want her to have her either. What can I do?

— Angry and Embarrassed, St. Vital

Dear Angry: You wanted to get free of this woman, but she beat you to the breakup. She freed herself the dirty way, and that hurts your pride, not to mention your embarrassment at playing into a young guy’s hands. But remember, you’re still getting what you wanted. Your pride is hurt, but your heart is not broken.

So, what needs to be done next? Go after that freedom by seeing a good divorce lawyer who’ll lay out all your options in order of importance. You’ll want to get the best financial deal you can.

As for your underhanded “buddy,” that serpent was never your friend, only you didn’t know it until now. Now he has a dishonest woman to play with, who may or may not be in love with him. Too bad for them!

The lesson to learn for you? It’s much safer to complain to a professional counsellor about an important relationship and its issues, rather than sharing that information with “friends” you may not be able to trust. A counsellor will not be looking to use the intimate details you reveal for anything other than helping you find the best answers.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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