Really put your heart into rekindling romance

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This article was published 04/01/2024 (1004 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m 67 and my wife is 62 — married for 37 years. Since four years ago, she wants to sleep in a separate room. She is also diabetic now. Many times she has refused to have sex with me. She says she’s tired or must take care of the grandchildren, and sometimes she even works part-time at a grocery store.

What should I do to improve my relationship? Thank you so much.

— Lonely Husband, Winnipeg

Dear Husband: Sex without any romance isn’t enjoyable for most women, many of whom begin to see married sex as an additional chore.

If you want to make love with your wife again, like you did when she was happier, you’re going to have to re-create the warm and romantic situation she used to feel with you.

That will take some time. You can’t just come home with flowers and expect her to give up her private bedroom, move back in with you and want immediate sex.

So what can you do? Start by giving her the warmth and sweet attention she may not even return in the beginning.

For instance, start bringing her flowers for no reason. When she suspiciously asks you why, say casually, “Just because I love you.” Then give her a happy cheek kiss and totally change the subject. Whatever you do, don’t grab her like she owes you for the flowers.

Also, decrease the tension between you by filling your home with music. That includes a music system in your bedroom — which you should also consider redecorating. That could make the updated bedroom more fun and interesting to your wife than her own separate room.

Then, start organizing some fun social activities, such as dinners at restaurants with friends — not a bunch more with the relatives! You could also explore the possibility of her joining you for dance lessons. It’s fun, romantic and excellent exercise for diabetics.

Biggest bonus? Dancing will make you both laugh again and put you back in each other’s arms.

Finally, when you get into this “re-romancing” project, don’t ask for sex after a first fun time out together. Let your wife warm up to you as a loving partner she wants to be intimate with again.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a neighbour with an ugly temper, and I’ve reached my limit. I can hear this terrible man yelling obscenities at his wife in the daytime, when windows are left open for fresh air. I work at home most days. It is a horrible situation — so bad I just told my partner I want us to move from this rental house, right away.

He says he doesn’t want to. Why? Because he never hears this jerk being nasty to his wife, or to me, as he works downtown during the day.

Yesterday, this horrible neighbour, who was obviously drunk again, started yelling obscenities at me and my “dirty little mutts” as we came in from the car. His tone scared me, and the dogs! I don’t know what he’d do to them if they were in our backyard barking and I wasn’t watching.

My boyfriend says, “Just shut the windows and ignore him!” Easy for him to say. In fact, this neighbour terrifies me, so now I’ve decided I’m not going outside anymore, except to run back and forth to the car, and take the dogs for necessary walks. What should I do?

— Need to Leave! Winnipeg suburb

Dear Need to Leave: Contact the home owner or agency renting you the house — and also the police. This may be all that’s needed, especially if they’ve had other complaints about this neighbour.

Then, take care of your own security and emotional health by looking for a better place to live with your man — or possibly without him. If he chooses to ignore your concerns over safety in your daily living situation, he may not be lifetime partner material.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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