Don’t cave to pressure from ex who dumped you

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This article was published 13/11/2023 (1011 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A year ago I started dating a gorgeous new guy. Our relationship was red-hot right away, but I wouldn’t have full-on sex with him. I didn’t want to risk my safety or take the chance embarrassing myself and my family with an unwanted pregnancy. Then in September— without explaining why — he broke up with me! I found out he had a new girlfriend lined up already.

To my surprise, he phoned me late last Saturday night and asked me if we could “just talk.” He confessed he couldn’t get me off his mind, even when he was with his new girlfriend. Then he asked me, “When are you going to be living away from your parents?” (Translation: “When will you finally be free to have sex?”)

I told him I missed him, but I do not want to take the chance of getting pregnant, and risk losing my old-fashioned parents’ love — and my own self-respect. He was always after me to have sex, and I confess I was really turned on by him. But do I really want to marry him? Not at 18, and he already dumped me once! What should I say to him?

— Too Much to Gamble, southeastern Manitoba

Dear Too Much: At this point, you’re rejecting this guy, and the risky situation with him that made you nervous. But, more importantly, you do not sound like a young woman who’s in love — just a woman who’s sexually attracted and a bit lonely.

Your best bet is to tell Romeo you might get in touch if and when you are ready to have a relationship that includes sex, but not to expect a call soon. That’s a fair offer, because he doesn’t want a relationship without sex, and you aren’t ready or feeling sure of him as a partner — beyond the physical attraction.

As a last-ditch argument, he may argue the possibility of using two types of protection at once, or other methods like an IUD. Then you can give him this bottom line: you’re just not that into it, particularly since he broke up with you!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My teenage son eats like a pig at home. He crams food into his mouth like he’s starving, and he’s definitely not. We feed this guy very well. I particularly hate it when he opens his mouth and belches after eating. I know he’s doing it just to get my goat.

What am I supposed to do to teach him some manners? I considered putting a mirror in front of him so he can see how he eats like a barbarian! What do you suggest?

— Disgusted Mother, North Kildonan

Dear Disgusted: You can ask your son, conversationally, what message he’s trying to get across when he’s rude at the table. Tell him he doesn’t need to answer right away, but that you’d like him to think about it, so you can get the real problem between you, and work to fix it. Then walk away quietly, and let him chew on that, without you staring at him.

If you suspect he might be trying to get banished from the table so he can take his food and eat it at the computer where he’s playing games and talking with friends, then you need to sort that out. Also ask yourself if you use meal times to quiz him about his life. Maybe that upsets him and his stomach, and it needs to become a more relaxing time with no hard questions.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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