New pup could help quell dogged depression

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This article was published 07/07/2023 (1172 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend had to put his childhood dog down recently, and he’s devastated. I never anticipated it hitting him this hard, but I do understand. I’ve had a couple of dogs in my life, and I totally get the bond.

I’m worried because he’s spending a lot of time in bed, calling in sick to work and showing signs of serious depression. He’s not showering and he’s wearing the same clothes a lot. I tried to be there for him from the start, but it’s getting to be really tiresome. It’s been three long weeks of going over and watching him mourn his dog. We barely do anything anymore other than watch TV in relative silence. I feel that bringing this up would be selfish, so here I am writing you. Is this normal? I don’t feel like it is. What can I do?

— Patience Wearing Thin, Elmwood

Dear Wearing Thin: Some people really need a dog, and they mourn the death of a beloved canine in their life, until the day they get another one. A new puppy could help your man, but not if he says, “No way!” It may be too soon, though it does sound like he has a serious case of doggy need. If he’s the least bit open to it, do some scouting.

Perhaps a pup of approximately the same breed, who’d grow to the same size and have a similar temperament, would be good. Or maybe he’d like a dog that’s totally different. You must cater to your boyfriend’s desires, not your own.

Be patient. That puppy aura can work magic, given a little time. Your guy may not be happy the first time he goes with you to see a dog, but grief has a way of unravelling a little when a new puppy snuggles into your arms.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I work in an industry where lots of money gets thrown around. I’ve found every woman I’ve dated in the last five years has put on a front about “caring” about me. Later, I find out the money, cars and jewelry is really what they cared about.

Sometimes it even gets down to cash demands. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve had sneer at me for not giving them actual cash while we were dating, saying things like, “As if 100 bucks is going to mean anything to you!”

I’m not an alcoholic, but l admit I go to the bar with buddies a lot, and wear expensive brands of clothing — perhaps not a great recipe for attracting a long-term relationship. I think I might need to tone myself down to attract more independent women. But how do you tell your drinking buddies you don’t want to go out partying Saturday night, and that you’ve been dreaming about spending time with a sweet woman, watching a movie or making a meal together? I don’t even know where to find a quality woman.

— Broke in the Love Department, Westwood

Dear Broke: You get what you advertise for, so consider this: What if a woman spotted you in regular jeans and a T-shirt working behind the scenes as a volunteer for an event or organization? She could only guess you’re a guy with a generous heart — nothing wrong with that first impression! You might find you have a real shot at finding a giving woman in a volunteering situation. Her values would very likely include kindness and generosity.

Be careful how you arrive for volunteering gigs. An expensive ride could give you away as a guy with big money and flashy tastes. So, show up on a bicycle or in a cab, and remain a mystery. When you’re starting to get know a new woman you’re attracted to, take her out for a few little bistro dinners and then for walks and long talks. When things are getting intimate, accept an invitation to her place well before you introduce her to your fancy pad!

As for sorting out your changing values, talk to a relationship counsellor who can help you identify the kind of woman you want to date, and help you sort out those questionable old friendships.

Here’s a hot tip for you to speed this process along: Before you go to sleep at night, create a vision of the life you want to build. Jot down flashes of insight before you go to sleep, so you don’t forget them. Your life is about to get very interesting, indeed!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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