It’s going take some truth to steady the ship

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is in his early 60s and was having an affair with a flirtatious woman who used to be a friend of mine.

She was hanging around at our place a lot after her divorce and my husband started doing errands for her because she was alone. He soon started going over to her place on all kinds of excuses and then she stopped coming by to see me anymore, as my friend.

I knew why, but It didn’t bother me so much because I’d found my own special man “friend.” This odd situation worked out fine — at first.

Then, just after Valentine’s Day, my husband and my friend stopped seeing each other. I wish they would get back together.

Now it’s awkward for me to hang out with my other man with my husband at home so much now and always asking who I’m going out with and what for.

Now our marital boat is really listing. I’m pretty sure my husband knows who I’m seeing, but I don’t want to hazard talking about the situation and risking our marriage. I really don’t want to leave my husband. Yes, it’s just a regular, boring long-term marriage, but we love each other. Believe me, we’ve tried hard, but the sex between us now is just a big yawn.

Still, we don’t really want a divorce. I just want some fun with another person who’s a diversion. But now that I’m the only one who has an outside sex partner, things are unbalanced. I almost wish I could find my husband another casual sex partner — one I approved of. Please suggest something other than breaking up our marriage.

— Listing Boat, West Kildonan

Dear Listing Boat: Sometimes long-term couples find the marriage breakdown topic too delicate to work on together. Instead, they have private, separate talks with a relationship counsellor and spill their guts — and then you all get together to talk it out.

In some cases, the couple decides to remain friends who live together, but are allowed to step outside the marriage for friendship and sexual diversion — but it’s quite unusual. It’s time to talk with your husband frankly to see if there’s hope of saving your marriage.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This year I’m staying at home with our preschool kids as my wife works her high-paying job. I got sick and tired of my work in the trades — freezing my butt off in the winter and hating the heat in the summer.

At first, it worked being Mr. Mom all day with our kids. The problem is I don’t like being at home all the time.

I would even like to start back working my trade half-time, now that spring is here. I told my wife and she made a face and said, “Our kids need a parent at home during the day until I get home. I make a lot of money, and we’re not shipping them out.” Now what?

— Stuck At Home? East Kildonan

Dear Stuck: Even if you found a great sitter for just a couple of mornings or afternoons a week, you could start to relax a bit and enjoy the kids and each other more. You could also start looking for a part-time job in your trade, and see how that would fit into your family scheduling, especially now the busy building season is getting under way.

Also, if your wife has holiday time to take, it might work for the two of you to have some time off together with your children. So mention it, because you two busy parents are coming unglued and desperately need some happy re-bonding time in the next few months.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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