Memorabilia trove opens up a can of worms

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I recently spotted my husband’s beat-up brown suitcase of memorabilia. I needed to use more space for my stuff, so I grabbed it out of the cubbyhole and pushed in my new trunk instead, which just fit.

My husband’s suitcase looked old and grungy, so I left it outside the cubby so he could maybe replace it. When he came home, I took him downstairs to see what I’d been organizing and he spotted his little brown suitcase over in a corner. I said teasingly, “Let’s open it and see what’s in there!” But he said, “Let’s not. It’s private, so hands off!”

That made me really curious! I didn’t have anything private I was hiding from him in my stuff. So, the next day when he was out of the house, I located a special little tool and I got into it. There was nothing exciting until I read a “kiss off” letter to him listing all his faults, from a girlfriend in high school. Big deal!

So, when he got home, I confessed — thinking the joke was on me, that I found nothing big. I thought he’d laugh it off. But instead, he was embarrassed and furious! He said, “Now I know I can’t trust you!”

I lost it then and I said, “ You’re my husband, and you want to hide things from me that came from another woman? Is your old girlfriend more private and special to you than I am? Is this why you keep her love letters? I promised you my whole life at our wedding!”

He said, “I won’t dignify those stupid remarks with a response.” Now, he’s barely talking to me. Help! Who’s in the right here?

— Upset, St. Boniface

Dear Upset: Your new husband was embarrassed you read about him getting dumped and hurt by a girl he cared about a lot in his past. Granted, you married him, but you are both allowed to have private pasts.

Some people hang onto their old love and breakup letters for a long time (maybe forever) rather than rip them up. The problem with that is, if they’re read later, they can still engender a big emotional response.

You two don’t have to burn up old cards and letters from former sweethearts, but they should be locked up somewhere neither of you can get at each other’s papers.

Today most love letters are exchanged digitally. When people are through with each other, they often react by totally deleting their exchanges, and it can be done it in an instant. The advantage is that lovers can more easily forget the hurtful details of the ending — and that’s most often a good thing.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife wants to go travelling to see her family in the United States and she wants me to pay for the trip like I always have before.

I don’t want to go with her because of the current political situation, and I don’t want her to go alone either. I said, ”If anything happened to you, I’d never forgive myself for handing you the money to go.”

Today she told me she’s going anyway, on her own money, and too bad for me!

The only advantage I can see in paying for her travel is keeping her happy — though not necessarily safe.

What do you think?

— Couldn’t Bear to Lose Her, Charleswood

Dear Couldn’t Bear: Your wife is going to go, whether you pay for her plane tickets and expenses or not. So, just pay and keep the peace with your beloved.

Also, equip her with the funds to pay for any extra help she might need to get back home safely, if there’s a problem. That’s called loyalty and generosity — and it will earn you more love and trust than suspicion and miserly behaviour.

Phone and message your wife a lot for friendly conversations when she’s away seeing her family so the fears don’t overly build up on your side.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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