Dwelling on past hurts won’t make for better future

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/10/2024 (713 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I dropped my wife off at her girlfriend/lover’s house for the last time yesterday.

I even helped her unload her boxes and suitcases, and her precious dog with his own trunk of doggie clothes. Yuck.

This happy couple is out of the closet now — with me and soon with everybody.

People must think I was either blind or stone stupid. Those two pretended to be best buddies for many years and I bought it. I was on the road a lot, so I guess their friendship took the guilt and the pressure off me and I turned a blind eye.

My wife hadn’t wanted kids from the start, and I was OK with that because I knew I wouldn’t be home enough. She never complained about not having a marriage situation like other people.

My problem is now I realize I want the time back I wasted on my stupid marriage. What do you suggest for me?

— Free at Last? Tuxedo

Dear Free: Don’t invest too much more time and energy into grieving over a marriage that was in name only and only provided you with a little company when you blew back into town.

Maybe that situation served you both well in the end. Your wife developed a love relationship with her girlfriend, and now they can go ahead and get married if they want to.

As for you, you are now totally free to invest in a deeper relationship yourself — and possibly make up for some of that time you feel you wasted.

Why spend your time and energy obsessing over the past? Get active and enjoy a social life that can lead to a relationship that will have you looking ahead to a loving future together.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a businesswoman in my mid-40s who hired a male immigrant to answer the phones. He came to Canada in a hurry recently and really needed some work.

He used to be a business owner himself and is married to a lovely woman with several half-grown kids.

I really like the guy with his deep resonant voice, but it was so awkward for him on the telephone, especially if anybody asked him a question outside of his memorized question-and-answer sheet. People were rude to him and some said nasty things I won’t repeat.

After a month of this miserable work, he asked if he could possibly get a different job within the company, as he was having a rough time.

I didn’t want to lose him, so I found him a position in the back where he didn’t have to deal with the public.

He’s doing great now and builds his English vocabulary every day.

But personally, I feel a bit ashamed. I caved to the negative attitudes of people who couldn’t deal with a person with a heavy accent answering the phone.

Now, I have a young woman in charge of phone calls. People never question her ability to do the job, which is just the dumb luck of her birthplace.

What can I do to aid my male employee in his journey to rebuild his employment and social situation in a tough world? He’s a really nice man and he and his family deserve a break.

— His First Canadian Employer, Winnipeg

Dear Employer: You could learn a tremendous amount if you hired a translator to facilitate a two-hour conversation if your new employee is into it.

You could gain deeper insight into your employee’s former lifestyle, education and different jobs he had in his home country, and find out what his future hopes and dreams are here in Canada.

You could also share more with him about your own history and education, and what your aspirations are for the company.

Aside from work, ask your employee what he enjoyed back home for leisure activities — sports, music, entertainment and so on.

These are things new employees can sometimes share with other workers at lunches and breaks if they have the language skills to do so. It’s the kind of thing that helps build new friendships.

How do I know about this? In a former life, I was a teacher. One summer I taught children English as a second language — kids who had just arrived here with their families, having escaped terrible situations in far away countries.

I will never forget those children and a summer spent trying everything I could, to bring smiles back to their faces. To a degree, it worked.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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