Shelve animosity and help mate locate troubled son

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This article was published 22/06/2024 (502 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I feel sad for my husband. His 31-year-old unmarried son has been nothing but a spoiled brat the whole time I’ve known about him. Recently, he moved back home to Winnipeg to start a new career and asked to live with us.

His dad bent over backwards to make him feel welcome, but just a couple of months into this arrangement, his son was treating his dad like his personal banker, asking for surprising amounts of money even though he has a job. I couldn’t hold my tongue when his father actually bought him a newer car, which he said he needed for work.

Finally, I told his son that his father wasn’t made of money and to be more respectful towards him. He raised his voice at me and said he was sick of me and told me to mind my own business. Then he called me some nasty names and packed his bags and left.

We don’t know where he’s living yet — probably leeching off someone else. My husband is very upset, but not with his son; he’s mad at me. His son hasn’t even bothered to reach out to his father since he left and won’t answer his phone.

I don’t think I did anything wrong. He’s an adult. Do we really need to find him? And would I have to apologize? I won’t. If I did, it would be showing him it’s OK to treat both his father and me with disrespect. What should I do now?

— Feeling Abused, Winnipeg

Dear Feeling Abused: Personally, you don’t need to find this guy, but it seems his father won’t be able to have peace of mind until he knows his son’s whereabouts. So, help your worried husband.

Does he know or suspect the reason his son needs extra money? Is he gambling, possibly going to casinos, and/or has previous debts and needs to pay somebody large sums of money?

Other people he might make contact with to stay with and/or borrow money from would be softhearted older relatives, such as aunts and grandparents. Suggest your husband swallow his pride and start asking friends and relatives who may already know where he’s staying.

Then there’s his workplace. Certainly, the office staff will relay a message to him to call his father if his son is still working there.

Also, that new vehicle dad bought him might be parked outside during work hours and gone at other times. You could easily do drive-bys and check that out.

If this son is not working there anymore and can’t be found elsewhere, then call the police.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My best friend has just gotten back with a heartbreaker she broke up with more than 10 years ago. It’s too weird.

I remember this jerk and the way he cheated on her, how they fought and called each other terrible names, and that she finally vowed never speak to him again.

And now that’s supposed to be gone and forgotten? Well, I haven’t forgotten looking after her when she was so upset she was physically ill and needed medication. Does she expect us to accept him back into the close friends’ circle? None of her friends wants to talk to that user.

I saw him with her the other day at an outdoor event. He doesn’t sound any different — he is still a loud-mouthed party boy treating her like a sex object on his arm.

We’re expecting he’ll have himself a good time, and dump her again. Please advise us on what to do.

— Worried Girlfriends, southern Manitoba

Dear Girlfriends: You don’t have to desert this friend because she’s back seeing this emotionally dangerous guy, but you also don’t need to accept him into your friend group. That means you’ll probably see less of your friend for a time, but chances are good the romance will suddenly end again — and it will be for the same reasons as before.

Immature adults like this boyfriend, don’t tend to change much — and not usually for long. That’s particularly true of people who crave endless sexual variety.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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