Ingrained rejection fears need to be addressed

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This article was published 28/06/2024 (780 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new bride is acting strangely. She found a good guy — me — who really loves her, but she has been constantly testing me, to see if I will stay with her now. I thought the ring and my promises during the wedding ceremony were proof of that!

She is the daughter of a now-divorced couple. Maybe the marriage “ceremony” was just that to her — a bunch of pretty words with a party afterwards, and big gifts. She really liked the gifts.

I know already that I can’t go through my life proving to her every week I still love her. I don’t know what to do, but as an honest guy who has always been trusted by my family and friends, I’m getting upset about being doubted now.

By the way, this didn’t start until right after the honeymoon was over, whatever that timing means.

What should I do now? To me, in bad moments, it feels like she’s just waiting for me to screw up and leave, now that I’ve married her.

— Good Guy Losing Patience, St. James

Dear Good Guy: Your bride needs counselling help ASAP to dig down to the origins of the feelings she has about women losing their value the minute they’re wearing a man’s wedding ring — like sudden depreciation on a car, as soon as it’s off the sales lot. That’s an ugly thought for anyone.

Start by finding a psychologist or relationship counsellor, and going for the first visit yourself. Outline the trust problem and the timeline — how it blew up directly after the vows and honeymoon. Then encourage your wife to go for visits on her own, and assure her you’ll happily cover the costs.

Without you there, a good counsellor will gently dig out your wife’s feelings about men and marriage, and where these beliefs came from — from friends, co-workers, her past experiences and her own family members.

The good news here? Your wife was brave enough and her love was strong enough to go ahead and marry you despite those “warnings” she received. She doesn’t want to carry these fears, and you don’t want her to have them, so go for help and get them sorted now. Then relax and enjoy your trust in each other, as a happily married new couple.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I grew up in a small town in northwestern Saskatchewan. I’m divorced, and in recent weeks I couldn’t stop dreaming about my high school boyfriend, who dumped me when he away went to Winnipeg to college. He didn’t say it, but the reason was probably there’d be lots of new girls to choose from and he wanted to be free.

I never knew for sure. The painful old memory of him breaking up with me has suddenly started bugging me all these years later, so I asked an old girlfriend from home what he’s like now that he lives back in our old town.

She said, “He’s single again and seems very nice. He looks a lot like his old dad, except he has a big handlebar moustache now.” Am I nuts? Why did I ask for information?

Why didn’t I leave the memories of my high school romance alone? Now I’m thinking about him again and feeling very curious.

— Old Flame Flickering, St. Boniface

Dear Old Flame: You could have guessed your old ex wasn’t the same as you remembered, but you wanted proof to douse those annoying little flames coming from your memory bank.

Perhaps, you wanted to get over him 100 per cent, and not think there was really a big loss.

It’s normal to wonder how things would have gone if we’d continued with previous loves — but only if they haven’t really done us dirt. This guy was able to reject you once, so think twice about going after him again!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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