Awkward crossed wires over supportive sleepovers

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This article was published 15/04/2024 (902 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I had a colossal fight at 2:30 a.m. with my boyfriend. He grabbed all his clothes and toys, and packed his beater. I just watched in silence. As he got in his car, he yelled, “Don’t expect a call, baby! We’re finished for good!”

I phoned my best female friend, who came right over with booze and food to ease the pain. We ended up drinking and also sleeping together. I kind of liked it. She has been back several nights since, and same deal: we sleep together just for company — at least on my part — so I can relax and go to work the next day. We just “spoon.”

I know she generally has female lovers — and she gave up on me long ago. Then yesterday, when I told her I didn’t need her to come over anymore, she got tears in her eyes. She said, “I thought this was maybe the beginning of you and me, being together.”

What? Oh boy! What should I do now? I don’t want to lose her friendship. She is my best friend of all time, like since junior high. What should I do?

— Didn’t Mean to Hurt Her, Weston

Dear Didn’t Mean to Hurt Her: Now you know you can’t get away with sleeping cuddled up in bed with this female friend, as it has affected her romantically and emotionally.

The last thing you want to do is lose her friendship, and you are perilously close. For the time being she may need to free herself from you, so she can get herself together and pursue another relationship — with a woman who welcomes her sexually and emotionally.

You will have to see less of each other for a time, so she can get over this, and her heart can be free again to look for a new girlfriend. Once that is established she may be able to be good friends with you again, but you can bet her female love partner won’t be wanting you around.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife and I made a modern agreement, as she’s a sports fanatic and likes attending sporting events with friends of both sexes. I’m the opposite. I’m a live music nut — I love all kinds. We made an agreement to see people platonically, and enjoy going to live events with them.

For almost a year, this seemed to work great. Imagine my surprise when my wife told me she wanted to break up! She’s been seeing one of her sports enthusiast guys, seriously. She says she feels sorry to hurt me and very guilty but she “wants real freedom now.”

I feel like such a fool! We both used to brag about our modern agreement. Now everybody we know must be laughing at me, particularly! Who all knew about my wife’s affair, I wonder? I’m not coping well at all. I’m falling apart in many different ways. Please help ASAP!

— Feeling Like a Fool, Charleswood

Dear Feeling Like a Fool: People aren’t necessarily laughing at you, although a few who envied your original agreement might say, “We thought this would happen.” Ignore them — they’re not real friends.

Now’s the time to be practical and take care of yourself. So, create a support team of professionals you do not share with your (soon-to-be ex) wife — doctor, divorce lawyer, financial adviser and psychologist.

You’ll be amazed how this kind of team can resurrect your pride, and your view of the future. As months go by, you’ll feel much stronger, and free to find new love — with a woman you definitely don’t need to share.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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