Take things slow, but in the end you’ll know

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I felt something akin to magic when I met my husband many years ago. We had a great marriage and then he became ill and died. I mourned him every day for two years, and I bitterly complained to anyone who would listen.

Finally, my best friends took me out for an evening, and it was a trick. At a bar, they told me I had turned into “Debbie Downer” and I had to wake up and start living again.

After I dried my tears, they said they were going to take me out to a half dozen different places — one every week or so — and that all I had to do was agree to come with them and fake a smile.

I soon learned how to do that. In fact, by week three on the trail, I was having fun and asking what was coming up the next week.

Now, I’ve just found the guy who may be a winner, and I’m feeling healthy and happy and curious about the future.

My question is how long should I insist on just dating before I actually allow myself to fall in love again? There’s still a deep wound healing in my heart. I really don’t think I have the strength to go through another emotional shipwreck.

Am I being too careful? Please help.

— Feeling Safe on the Surface, St. James

Dear Safe on the Surface: You don’t need a hard-and-fast timing rule. Just be aware of not being in a hurry to make any long commitments. Give any new relationship time to grow and to go through some minor difficulties. Also, it’s probably best to give several people a chance, rather than jumping on the first interesting new relationship you find.

You don’t need any more pain right now. You just need to stay open to meeting new people that make you feel happier, and start enjoying life again. The rest will come as you heal, but it can take a while.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my youngest sister’s recent boyfriend during a lunchtime recently. I suggested I buy the skinny guy some lunch. He accepted happily and it turns out he’s a talker.

He said he still missed my sister, but that he has had one date since. He said the woman called him up, said she had two tickets to a hockey game and he went with her.

“Great game,” was all he said of that date. Then minutes later, he again muttered how he was still missing my sister.

He’s a sweet and handsome guy. Why was I not surprised my sister still hasn’t gotten over him, either?

So, do I tell her about what he said, or do I shut up and hope nature takes its course?

— Itching to Tell Her, Crescentwood

Dear Itching: Nature hasn’t been doing a good job of taking its course so far with these former lovebirds, so tell your sister what her recent ex said. Let her decide what she wants to do with that new information.

Don’t push it one way or the other, even though you probably have a preference. Just tell her what happened over lunch and say you couldn’t help but notice her ex-boyfriend hasn’t gotten over the breakup with her yet, either.

Then, leave it at that — no preaching one way or the other. Who knows, maybe this guy is the one for her, or maybe your sister wants the chance to meet someone else.

You probably don’t know the whole story with them, so don’t push too hard.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.