Baffled by experience with ex who left

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My beautiful ex-wife used to travel with her girlfriends, and they were a wild and free group! I counted myself lucky to have tamed and married her. I should have woken up shortly after our wedding when she got restless, and then announced she did not want to have children!

It was a half-lie. She always wanted children. I know now she meant she didn’t want children with me. I was just a guy to mess around with.

So, she finally divorced me and married a new guy, and already has two kids. That hurts me so much! I loved her deeply and had always wanted kids with her, but I guess she didn’t have the same dream.

I ran into her recently at her best friend’s September wedding. She was looking sideways at me as I had a new younger girlfriend on my arm. I swear my ex was jealous! How could she be jealous when she could have had me for life, but dumped me?

— Don’t Understand, Downtown

Dear Don’t Understand: For some people, even if they have been the one to instigate a break-up, their exes still belong to them in the “stable of their mind.”

That doesn’t mean they still love their exes, but they are fond of the old memories with them and even feel somewhat possessive.

Try to isolate the qualities of your ex-wife you loved and put them at the top of your “want again” list. Also list her traits you couldn’t stand. Then you can focus on the future and finding someone who truly shares your goals.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Well, I just got a shock! After some years, I went back to Regina where I grew up and ran into a former close friend. He was out with his husband! What? I had no idea. I thought he was straight like me. They were pushing a stroller, and my former buddy had their other little child in a front pack.

My old friend said, “Close your mouth and stop looking so shocked. Did you never guess I was even bi?” I said, “Nope. I sure didn’t!” I couldn’t think of much to talk about then, but now I have a million weird questions. Can you help me find the right place to vent?

— In Shock, St. James

Dear Shock: First, talk to a reputable counsellor and get out every awkward question, worry and odd feeling you have. Make a list of the ones you really need to ask your ex about, in the near future.

A very important question should be, “Are you feeling happy and fulfilled now?” The most desirable answer to that question is an unequivocal yes! Then, wish him luck for the future in his relationship, and continue your renewed friendship, if that works for both of you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just sold the cabin I used to own with my ex-love. We broke up painfully.

But oddly, I’m already craving that little cabin and the calm lake I used to think about before I went to sleep every night out there. In my half-dreams I’d hear the peaceful lapping of the waves on the beach. So beautiful!

A friend-of-a-friend bought my cottage almost immediately after it went on sale.

Here’s the problem: I think I need another cabin on the same, but not within sight of my old honeymoon haven. Is this a good idea or should I just be done with it, pull up stakes and move to another lake entirely?

— Lake-Loving Mermaid Forever, Whiteshell

Dear Mermaid: Consider giving yourself one rental year — at a nicer cottage — before you grab up a new place too quickly. You still need healing!

You may want to be present on your same old lake next summer while you calm down, heal up and get ready to go hunting for a new cabin. But you may be happy to find you can be very content on your old lake on your own, or with a new love you meet. Just give it a bit of time before taking the plunge!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography