Time to intervene on hubby and therapy ‘buddy’

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband has been going to a therapy group to work through some trauma in his past. He seems almost high when he comes home — always in too good a mood and plays his guitar for hours. He won’t come to bed with me either and doesn’t want to make love those nights.

I just found out from a female friend who also goes to this therapy group that one of my man’s exes turns out to be in this same group. She’s seen them at the café where some group members go after meetings for coffee. They usually sit as a group, she says, but my husband and this woman have started breaking off from the main crew for private talks at another table.

When I asked my man about her, he was indignant. He said, “I come home to you, don’t I? Isn’t that enough?” Now he claims he’s helping his ex talk through her trauma. That may be so, but he seems way too happy and smug when he finally comes home.

This ex was the first girl he ever had sex with. I know exactly what she meant to him — until she dropped him on his head. So what can I do? I can’t just ignore it and let it go. He’s my husband till death do us part, right?

— Worried Sick, Weston

Dear Worried Sick: In troubled marriages, people sometimes develop close friendships outside their personal union with people they meet in therapy groups. They might be sharing private information and comforting each other, or maybe doing a little flirting as well.

You’re lucky to have found out about your husband and his old girlfriend meeting up, so this old relationship doesn’t have complete privacy to grow. Start showing up to pick him up from the post-meeting café sessions, and one night soon sit down with him and this old girlfriend and put your arm around his shoulder and say, “This is my guy and I love him.”

Hopefully, that will make it very uncomfortable for them to accelerate any new romance.

There’s nothing wrong with fighting for your marriage any way you can.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new girlfriend has an outgoing personality and people love her. But when she’s out with me, people pretty much ignore me. To them I’m just her boring sidekick.

The other night, when she was busy entertaining some new people with a stupid work story I’ve heard a million times, this woman came up to me and began flirting. We started laughing and trading a few jokes.

Then my girlfriend — who was three sheets to the wind — gave me the evil eye and started pouring her drink into my glass, until it overflowed all over the table and onto my pants. I roared, so she ran out, jumped in a cab and left me to pay our tab and mop up wet pants.

Now she won’t even take my calls. What should I do?

— Upset, Norwood

Dear Upset: Stop wasting time with a relationship that’s going nowhere. Stop trying to get in touch with her. And if this woman phones you to find out why you’ve disappeared, don’t get into a big examination of the relationship as it stands.

Just tell her this: “You seemed to be a nice person, or I wouldn’t have dated you in the first place, but we’re not a match for the long run.”

She might tell you to get stuffed, and that’s more than OK. Let her get in the last word. Then fly off, and start enjoying your new freedom.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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