Despite ‘good’ ex’s return, can’t relive past

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve just seen my ex again and I feel strange — like I went hurtling through a time warp. When he and I were together, he graduated college and joined his family business, getting right into management. Then, over a couple of years of poorly done work and partying until after bar after hours, his dad kicked him out of his cushy job.

He told him to “get a real job somewhere else and grow up.” It actually worked! Now he’s got a great new job, lost the big beer gut he had gained and looks like the athlete I fell in love with, back in university.

I spotted him sitting in a restaurant with his new girlfriend, and she was hanging all over him. He was just loving her attention, and I felt oddly sick to my stomach.

Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am! Now that I’ve seen he’s transformed back into the guy I fell for as a young woman, I really want to call him up. Should I? I don’t totally understand my thoughts or feelings. What is my problem?

— Wanting Him Again, I Think! Osborne Village

Dear Wanting Him: Seeing the return of the healthy and fit-looking version of the man you once loved has brought back an old set of memories for you and the compelling sexual attraction that accompanied them. But there could be a different set of memories bubbling up for him — like feeling your old disdain and rejection.

Sexual desire for another person requires confidence and admiration, as well as the happy feeling you’ll be welcomed and will celebrate each other. He might not have forgotten being rejected; however, you might be able to have a more grown-up and respectful talk with one another now. Getting past old bitterness and being kind and friendly with past loves can be a good thing for both parties.

Just don’t count on things being romantic again. He is now with a woman who has never felt disgusted by the old him — just attracted to who he is now — and he’s also into her. He’s likely to want to stick with her, and you can’t blame him for that.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I found out through a spy that my husband is involved with another person — a man. A lot of things finally made sense, including the two of them travelling together to sporting events out of town.

I don’t want to have sex with him anymore, knowing this. But I don’t want to lose my kids’ dad from our household. He’s an excellent father and the kids love him so much. Is it better to remain silent about it? I must add that we really need my husband’s 50 per cent of the domestic expenses for the kids and me to be able afford to stay in our nice home and neighbourhood.

I’m afraid if I tell my husband I know about his male “friend” he’ll leave us, and we’ll have to move to a tiny house elsewhere. That’d really break the kids’ hearts, as they are close with their dad, but it’s getting very hard for me to stay silent about things. What should I do?

— Living a Lie, Fort Richmond

Dear Living a Lie: You could tell your husband you want him to remain with you and the children under the same roof, but that you know about his other love life and you’ll definitely need separate bedrooms now.

That could work for a while, but can you and he really handle living a complicated life like this? Plus, what if you want a love life of your own with someone else?

The kids might not need to know all the facts and details, but living this pseudo-marriage may not be worth the extra pain. Very often kids overhear adult conversations and find out what’s going on, way before they’re explicitly told.

Then there’s your man’s right as a human being to be his true self. Maybe he thought he could live life as a closeted bisexual, but that isn’t going to work much longer for anyone in your family. He can still be a good dad if his complicated sexuality comes out into the open. It will help greatly if things are explained, and if everybody gets the professional counselling they need, when they need it.

Tiptoeing around the subject makes everyone more and more uncomfortable. If you’re open to getting help within your family, there’s specialized counselling to help sort things out, starting with you and your husband, and then involving with the kids. It’s time to talk to your medical doctor about open-minded counsellors specializing in this complicated type of predicament.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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