Three can be a thrill, but feelings might be hurt

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A little while ago, I noticed my wife was eating quite a bit more than usual and gaining weight. I talked to a psychologist friend about it and he said that she was likely unhappy about something she couldn’t talk about and was stuffing the words and feelings down with food. He said I should try talking to her to see if that was the case.

So I asked my wife to tell me the truth, no matter how upsetting, and she finally cried out, “I cheated on you.” The she started bawling so hard she was choking. I finally got her calmed down and said, “Tell me why you cheated on me. Was I being a jerk?” and she said, “No, it’s because I’m attracted to women, too.”

And then I laughed and said, “Well, there’s something we can agree on.”

Then she told me she really wants to explore having a threesome with another woman, but was petrified to broach the subject.

Now our big problem as a couple is how to agree on who to bring into our sex life, and we can’t figure that out. Any advice?

— Loving My Bisexual Wife, St. Boniface

Dear Loving: You would be wise to gravitate to a woman who physically doesn’t have traits your wife, in her own self-image, may feel overly sensitive about. But it’s always going to be tricky, so it would be best to let your wife take the lead.

While it’s sure to ramp up arousal levels, bringing someone into an intimate relationship is also fraught when it comes to the dynamic between partners and potential for feelings to be badly hurt — possibly even yours.

It’s clear you’re heavily invested in your current relationship, so make sure you and your wife really talk things out before you take the leap into a threesome. Good luck.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My formerly kind and loving husband has become a weekend drunk.

He works overtime all week at a stressful new job to support us, then he spends Saturday mornings with our two kids watching cartoons.

But that’s about it for fathering them, or for being with me, even sexually.

Saturdays at noon, his new drinking buddy from work picks him up, and they go off to the bar to get loaded.

My husband comes home alone in a taxi and staggers in drunk, around 6 p.m. Then he grabs some cold dinner and stumbles up the back stairs to our bedroom where he passes out for the night.

On Sunday mornings, he’s too hungover to go to church with us, but he’ll get up at 2 p.m. and watch cartoons with the kids again.

In the afternoon, he smells of beer from the late morning when I know he secretly downs one or two before we get home from Sunday school. I find it totally disgusting.

Now he’s started having up to four or five beers in the basement TV room after work on weekdays, so his drinking is really skyrocketing. We have no love life anymore and he sleeps in the spare bedroom whenever he’s drunk or sleeping it off.

When I complain about our total lack of a sex life, he just laughs and says, “We don’t need any more kids at this point.”

That’s not a joke to me. Before we got married, we always talked about having a big family of four or five children.

In fact, nothing is a joke to me anymore. I’ve totally lost my sense of humour. We don’t have a real marriage now that he’s married to the booze.

What can you suggest, or is it too late? The husband I married is no longer recognizable to me.

— Alone in Marriage, Linden Woods

Dear Alone: Consider telling your husband calmly you’re going to start attending an Al-Anon group — for family and friends of problem drinkers — and then start doing so.

It’s not a decision he has to enthusiastically support, but should he ask, you could show him Al-Anon’s description of their organization: “A fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems.”

They go on to say: “We believe alcoholism is a family illness, and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.” For more information, check out mbnwo-alanon.org.

Find a babysitter other than your husband when you go to a meeting that concerns his drinking.

No one wants to think their mate is off at a group talking about them, while they’re stuck at home looking after the kids.

You can also attend Al-Anon meetings online, which appeals to some. The in-person meetings might bring you some deeper new understanding and possibly gain you some supportive friends.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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