Don’t be swayed by troubled hubby’s ‘new’ tune

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was forced to leave my handsome and musically talented husband due to the fact he loved drinking way more than he loved me. Just like his dad — who was also a great singer and storyteller — he just couldn’t handle his liquor. Like father, like son. Tragic.

By the midway point of any evening entertaining my husband’s family, my father-in-law would always be drinking too much. I hated it and it always showed on my face.

Sometimes my husband would slap me in the van when we were leaving his family’s place for pulling a sour face and disrespecting his father. Then he would break down and cry, saying how sorry he was for hitting me.

I left with our young kids one weekend when my husband was away performing and took refuge with my parents. Friends told me they were relieved because they knew I was being abused. I didn’t know they were aware of that or I would have left sooner, out of embarrassment.

I saw my ex-husband back in our town last weekend and he was sober and looking his best.

He was trying to charm me, telling me he had stopped drinking. I turned away with tears in my eyes, as he appeared to be back to the man I initially loved.

How do I cope with this side of him returning to my world when he just could slip back and be drinking again in a minute?

— On the Fence, eastern Manitoba

Dear On the Fence: This man can be dangerously charming — so watch, listen, talk and find out as much as you can about the life he has worked on building since you two broke up. This man has been violent toward you and that simply cannot be glossed over. You both really need serious counselling at this point.

Is he still in the music game, and to what degree? Does he still travel a lot? Or is he back closer to his roots working day jobs to help support his family?

What is your ex presenting to you as his “new self”? Do you buy it? If your gut tells you no, then don’t waste any more time even considering getting back together with him.

Some people can quit drinking, usually with serious help and support from organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous or the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba.

Most people need something outside themselves to stay sober for the long haul.

Your husband also needs to face up to his violent side. Don’t underestimate that issue or simply blame the drinking.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I speak three languages and always wanted to travel a lot and teach on other continents. But now that the world has gotten so shaky, what is going to happen to adventure educators like me?

I’m wondering, should I throw those dreams away and resign myself to the safer route teaching closer to home? That idea is very limiting to me.

— International Dream Evaporating, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Dream Evaporating: It would be safest to postpone your biggest adventures until you know for certain you can get back home relatively easily, if and when you want to. This politically uncertain era may be a better time for you to invest in your own higher education at home and do some teaching on the side.

We can only hope travel-teaching might become more feasible once again a few years down the road, especially for people with adventurous souls, solid educations and the ability to teach.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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