Tit-for-tat infidelity payback deal not so simple

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This article was published 24/08/2024 (797 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m in my mid-60s and still playing sports — so I’m physical and still very sexual. My wife is great as a love partner. The only trouble is, she’s also developed a woman-to-woman relationship this summer, which is sexual. They aren’t hiding it from me, and they see each other sexually a fair bit — but only at the other woman’s cabin, as she is staying alone.

The rest of the story? I promised my wife she could have the summer affair, and I wouldn’t complain. Why? Because she caught me having a brief affair last winter. But I want to say “enough is enough now” in terms of punishing me!

After summer is really over — like in a week or so — the agreement is my wife’s supposed to give this woman up, and then we’re even. But lately, I notice they’re getting closer. That really hurts. What do you think?

— Acting Cool, Feeling Nervous, Falcon Lake

Dear Cool But Nervous: Your wife may be thinking a “deal” with you — the partner who cheated on the marriage first — doesn’t need to be rock solid. Your cheating may have loosened the glue between you two and now she’s feeling the hazards of getting back close.

Also, as summer ends, it may be very hard for her to give up her lady love. But if she does, and you want a real marriage back with your wife, initiate serious counselling to try to build back trust, understanding and a stronger bond than before. She may go for that — or she may not.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Foolish me! I thought I had the nicest neighbour — a bit too religious, but very helpful. She was only a phone call away, and always ready to help me with errands. But then everything just exploded.

Just recently, I quietly mentioned to this neighbour that my daughter was gay. “What?” she squawked. Then she scrunched her face, and gave me a look that was pure disgust. She muttered that my daughter would be “going to hell to burn forever!” I couldn’t believe what was coming out of her mouth.

I tried to handle it by saying, “We’re all entitled to our own beliefs, and our own ways of living.” She just looked at me and said, “How could you, as her mother, say that? A good Christian parent would never let this happen to her daughter!”

She walked away, muttering, “I’ll pray for her soul, since you don’t know how to.”

I’m more than upset. I feel like throwing a bag of rotting summer garbage over her fence! What kind of hypocrite is she? I don’t know how to deal with this horrible neighbour now. Help me, please.

— Insulted My Daughter, East Kildonan

Dear Insulted Daughter’s Mom: Your daughter needed to reveal her sexuality in her own time — and only to people she already trusted. Her sexuality should not have become the business of the neighbourhood.

While there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian, there are certainly some people who will judge your daughter negatively, and spread the info around to other disapproving people.

As for dealing with this neighbour, reduce conversations to “hi” and “bye” and two-word weather comments. Just be civil. That’s the Canadian way to get by in “bad-neighbour” situations. This neighbour may apologize, but don’t bet on it. Consider building a privacy fence this fall, if necessary. That will be a strong message.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is just back from a business trip and he has “love bites,” which I’ve heard discussed in your column, all over his back. There’s no other way to describe them except what they are — hickeys! I’m 34, and I know.

When I called him on it, he tried to pretend he’d developed “adult acne” on his trip. What a laugh! Come on, I was a teenager once and I did the same damage to a boyfriend, who was still seeing his old girlfriend, while starting a new relationship with me. I wanted to mark him, so she’d break up with him. I have experience in this, sadly. But now what should I do? Deep down, I still love the jerk.

— Determined to Have Him Back, Weston

Dear Determined: What is “love” when a couple’s drowning in hurt and anger — and using silly words for what amounts to bruising proofs of extra-marital intimacy? Still, there’s a minute chance of patching up the relationship this fall, if your husband is willing to put in a lot of emotional work. He just doesn’t sound like he’s that serious, so don’t get your hopes up. You can do better than this cheater.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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