Get specific on your deep feelings for new man

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/08/2024 (761 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I never thought I’d fall in love again, but unless I’m losing my mind, this is the big one, finally.

My first husband (now married to some other poor thing) was tall, blond and handsome — with a nasty temper. My new man is ordinary-looking, but the sweetest guy you’d ever met. He’s also goofy and we end up laughing ourselves to sleep sometimes. Sexually, he’s good, too.

Of course, it’s not like the young-couple sex I experienced in the early years when I was just married. But my ex-husband ended up doing poorly in his career and took it out on me in every way. I was terrified every day, and for good reason.

Last night, my boyfriend said he wished he was better looking because he found my wedding pictures in the basement and said that my ex-husband looked like a movie star.

I said, apologetically, that I only kept them in case the kids wanted to have a look at them someday.

My ordinary-looking guy looks more handsome to me every day — with true love in his eyes and deep smile lines. How can I convince him he’s become the best-looking man ever to me?

— Feeling Sad, West Kildonan

Dear Feeling Sad: Sometimes you can give a shy person a compliment and it doesn’t sink in. But if you back it up with specifics, they start to get it. “You have the most beautiful smile,” or “I love it when your eyes twinkle like that,” are comments more likely to be accepted and believed.

You could also compliment your new man’s physical strength, how well he wears certain clothes, his laugh, the tone of his voice, the kindness he shows or how much everybody likes him. Build him up with compliments based on the truth, and it will start to build up his own confidence in his appearance.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I spent most of the summer at my cabin because I could work well from there and had permission from my boss.

I had my computer on the deck and worked as hard as usual — even harder when other people were off on vacations. I only took two weeks off all summer, as I plan to go to Mexico for a holiday in the winter.

But when I came back into the office this week with my tan, my new pasty-white supervisor said in a snarky voice, “That’s quite the tan you got there. When did you ‘work’ at the lake — after sundown?”

I said that she knows our first meetings always start at 9 a.m., I was always ready to go and always made all project deadlines on time.

Then she said, “Ha — I was just kidding. You’re going to have to learn to take a joke.”

But I could tell by the tone in her voice that she wasn’t actually joking.

Now what?

I really don’t want to work under this person who’s obviously got it in for me. Please don’t tell me I have to suck it up or look for another job because I really love my work.

— Severely Annoyed, St. James

Dear Annoyed: This may have been your new supervisor’s thought process when she clapped eyes on you: “Owns his own cabin, dark tan, working on his deck all summer — privileged.”

Look, you don’t have to kiss up to this woman, but you should show her she’s wrong and that you’re truly a dedicated team player in the office.

Now that you’re back in town, make it your goal to find out everything that’s coming up work-wise in the next few months.

Show enthusiastic interest in different projects. See if there may be a strong role you can play in them, which gets you out from under this woman’s supervision.

It’s tough working for someone who’s got it in for you, especially when you’re going on a trip in another three or four months. Don’t bring that little fact up with her until you have to.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography