Emotions run high around parental-celebration days

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This article was published 19/06/2024 (789 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: It’s “celebrating-parents season” again. Yikes! As a foster parent I have something to say about that. Take Father’s Day, for instance.

Some kids who have lived with us for some time want to make a card for my husband — their foster dad —because he’s such a nice guy. I happily provide the colourful materials for making cards, and leave them out on a table for a week.

If they want to make cards for a birth parent — a trickier situation — I let them know the materials can be for that, too. Sadly, it’s often not appropriate for them.

Are we doing the right thing by honouring these days? I really don’t know how to handle the big emotions after they’re finally over. I don’t want the kids to know I sometimes feel so sad for them, thinking about their birth-parent experiences, that I cry in my husband’s arms afterward. I don’t mean sniffling either!

— Emotional Foster Mom, Winnipeg

Dear Foster Mom: The beauty of having a bedroom radio or music player is that you can turn the music up high enough that the children in the house can’t hear an adults’ muffled tears beside it.

Adult tears are scary and disorienting to some kids, especially those who don’t feel secure. This might be particularly so on a parental celebration day.

So here’s a plan for next year’s Mother Day and Father’s Day: Take the gang out for a fun group activity like the zoo or just celebrate being a family out having fun together.

As for the card-making table, change it to the unlocked art chest. Don’t leave card-making supplies openly out on a table as that may create a feeling pressure to make a card. It isn’t easy for kids to struggle with mixed emotions about the adults who are in, or out, of their young lives.

Just let the kids know that if they want to make any cards, you will bring out materials, and even sit with them and help them.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Now that it’s summer, our neighbour has nothing better to do than sit in her second-storey sun porch and spy on us. She told my best friend who lives right next door that her “poor children” (age 12 and 13) can see my daughter making out with her boyfriend in his car, when he brings her home from her job at the bar.

That would be midnight or so, and her kids would be asleep — so she is obviously the one spying!

I’m not surprised my daughter and her sweet guy are making out a bit in the driveway. They do have a sexual relationship and sometimes he sleeps over. Big deal! What I want to stop is this witch gossiping about my daughter.

My husband thinks we should make a funny sign for the kids’ car window saying “Hello…” and the spy’s first name! But I’m thinking maybe we shouldn’t stir up more trouble. What do you think?

— Furious Mom, Fort Richmond

Dear Furious: I grew up with a funny dad who would have gotten a kick out of coming up with a smart crack aimed at a spying neighbour. So yes, I have lots of ideas popping up!

But your daughter is the one who’ll take the brunt of this, if Mrs. Peeper lashes out at her.

A better move? Tell the young lovers to move their goodbye scene down the block under a tree, and then have the sweet boyfriend walk her safely to the door, and plant a big good-night kiss on her. At that point, they might want to wave “goodnight” to their spy — who will surely be looking down from her perch!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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