Shelve the cynicism and get back on trusting track

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This article was published 11/06/2024 (810 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new man and I are in our 40s, both divorced and cynical — but who isn’t, these days?

I’ve had two previous marriages go down the drain. We’ve been getting serious, but now we’ve hit a terrible bump on the road to a possible marriage.

I definitely think we should live together first, to see how it goes. But my partner said last night he wants a real engagement commitment with a diamond ring, and great wedding plans. I told him, “No way! Been there twice; paid for two divorces.”

He went totally silent. Then he said slowly, “You are possibly the most unromantic woman I’ve ever been with. You can’t possibly love me, or you’d want my ring!”

Then I found out he’d bought a beautiful diamond to give me. He said he’d had a whole outdoor proposal scene planned out — on bended knee and the whole works.

Then, he hung up on me. I was awake all night, upset! No wonder he was so hurt and angry.

This afternoon, I called him, crying and apologizing. I really love this man, and do not want to lose him. I also don’t want him to think I’m changing my mind about first refusing him just because I now want his diamond ring — of course I do, but I also want him! Please give me your advice, ASAP.

— Terribly Sorry I Doubted Him, West End

Dear Terribly Sorry: It works in your favour that you two are both in your 40s, no doubt with experiences both bad and good. But you need to drop that big load of suspicion and resentment you’re carrying, so you can start trusting this man. He’s serious about loving you, and you love him.

Don’t waste another minute before telling him you’re terribly sorry and you’re going to work out your trust issues with a relationship counsellor, so you can open your heart and give him 100 per cent in a marriage. Then dig in and do the counselling, no matter what his answer is. He might not “give in” until he sees real proof.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Imagine my shock when I answered the phone and suddenly heard my high school teacher from 10 years ago speaking to me! This is the man I had a serious crush on in high school, and never quite got over.

He said he wanted me to come back and talk to his class at an informal “career day” he’s putting on in early September. He asked if I could talk about my working life as an interior designer. He said, “Just a short chat and a Q-and-A.”

September is a long way from now, but It made my stomach flip over! If I accept, it might stir up all those feelings of unrequited love in high school, as I have just the imagination to do that.

If I don’t accept, I’ll kick myself for not going to check him out, now that I’m an adult of 27 years. I sound like an idiot, confessing all this, but does he want anything other than having me as a guest, I wonder? How would I even know? I told him I’d have to think about it.

I always felt he liked me, and his low voice still gives me chills. I guess I still have a crush! God knows I’m old enough to date him, at this point. I phoned someone who’d know his marital status, and he’s “presently single,” whatever that means. What do you suggest?

— Old Enough for Him Now, Osborne Village

Dear Old Enough: Seeing this old teacher might be great, or it might be disillusioning — especially compared to your vivid fantasies. But you’d best keep that fanciful crush firmly planted in your imagination and stick to planning your professional presentation, when visit your former teacher.

To be sure, many high school students have had big crushes on special teachers, but to pursue a romantic relationship is simply out of bounds ethically and professionally, even once a former pupil is an adult. A teacher could get into big legal trouble and lose their job for consorting with a student.

So shift gears to focus on making this the best presentation possible for his students. It’s really all about them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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