There’s no need to rush into serious romance

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This article was published 06/11/2023 (1015 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m in love with love, and I know that. No sooner am I dating a guy, than I’m imagining the wedding and what he’ll be like as a lover and husband — and as a father to our children. Unfortunately, I’ve said “I love you” to two different guys since the start of dating at age 14, and they both found excuses to drop me soon after.

I would like to get married young like my parents did — like before I’m 21. I shocked my mother by telling her that yesterday. She went very quiet. Today, she said she had to talk to me seriously.

She said, “Your dad and I got married too soon and I wish we’d waited, but we couldn’t because you were on the way.” I could feel tears coming and asked if she wanted me back then. She didn’t say anything right away, and I started to cry.

She said she loves me very much and so does my dad, but getting married so young meant life got hard for them too soon and they struggled for a long time. I didn’t need to know that depressing information. Now I feel like I wrecked my parents’ romance.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel guilty, and wonder if my parents really love each other, or if they’re just together out of duty.

Please help me deal with this.

— Unwanted Baby? Silver Heights

Dear Baby: Your mom took a chance when she told you about the early pregnancy. It’s doubtful she would have told you at this point if she couldn’t reassure you she and your dad love each other and you — the child they created.

You needed to hear that from your mom. Now here’s something else you need to know: A couple’s love can ebb and flow at different times during a long marriage. The marriage may have hit a low point for a while when your mom and dad were young and had to rush into it, but your arrival as a sweet little child they created together probably brought about a happy and exciting time for them.

You’ll note they’re still together in an age where divorce is common and easily obtainable. That’s a very good sign.

The bottom line is to slow down your own romances. Your parents don’t want you to repeat what they did, as it can be a hard way to start a marriage. You have several decades to get pregnant and have children. You certainly don’t need to hustle a young guy to the altar before either of you are ready. Take your time to find what seems to be the perfect guy for you — one who naturally suits you in many important ways.

Also, you should consider the timing. If both of you already have education or training under your belts, and solid jobs, that will help take a lot of the strain off your marriage. That’s the point when it’s a good time for a new adventure together — such as starting a family.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new woman is mouthy and bossy, and we have lots of arguments — mostly good-natured though. She usually wins. I’m really enjoying this relationship and the fact she’s just starting to realize that even if she wins the argument verbally, I’ll likely still to do what I want. Her last husband was a pushover and she didn’t respect him. I’m stronger than that guy.

Now she wants to book two holidays for early December and March, well ahead of time, but I would rather wait until the last minute to make sure we’re still together. What do you think?

— Playing it Safe, St. Vital

Dear Playing it Safe: Book the first holiday now because it’s not that far off and you two are really excited about each other. As for a second trip — who knows what you’ll feel by then in this fiery romance. You may have already discovered by then that you don’t travel well together. But if you do, and things are going swimmingly at the end of January, why not book a second travel adventure for February? Good luck!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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