Take things slow with stressful parental reunion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When I lived in Vancouver, my parents were both messed up on drugs and drinking. To survive their craziness, I spent all my spare time as a teenager working hard at different jobs. The day after I graduated high school, I hitchhiked with a guy I knew casually all the way to Winnipeg for a cool job I found online.

We became great friends on the road. He took me to meet his family at their house and they invited me to live in their basement suite. I happily paid rent and felt like I had a new family.

But now, here comes trouble. My parents have gotten sober and want to move back to Manitoba — their original home. They’re hoping I will welcome them back into my life.

Fat chance. I grew so sick of them, I don’t really want a reunion. But now, my girlfriend is curious about my “new and improved” parents, as she calls them. She wants to meet them face-to-face.

I understand her curiosity, but how can we just say hello and then get away fast? We won’t be meeting them at a bar for obvious reasons, and I don’t want to have them over at my house.

I don’t want my family mixing into my private life with my girlfriend. They usually mean trouble for me. I make good money now, so what can I do to fix this before it has a chance to get away on me? Please advise, ASAP.

— Feeling Old Pain Again, Fort Garry

Dear Feeling Old Pain: Your girlfriend can’t understand the depth of the family wounds you carry. They don’t just heal up magically with a change in situation.

So take your mate and meet your parents for lunch somewhere nice and busy such as The Forks. Insist on paying for lunch. Hopefully, it’ll be a polite-but-boring first meet-up, as that would work best for you. Let your girlfriend take the lead at being friendly.

That luncheon might not be the warm, forgiving reception your parents really want, but they will need to prove they can stay sober after what you went through as a young guy.

What’s really needed is family group counselling to safely explore the wounds of the past and then heal them up as much as possible. You may not be ready for that yet.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out through DNA testing that I’m related to people I don’t want to be associated with. Do I owe them anything, like telling them we’re related? I don’t even want to talk to them.

We are natural-born enemies in this community, voting for opposing parties and butting heads on most issues.

— Just Not Interested, rural Manitoba

Dear Not Interested: No need to be the first to stir these waters. You can choose to leave the doors shut on those DNA connections for now, but someone else on their team may do a search and discover you are related to them in the future.

They may say something rude, or they may actually soften once they learn you have some of the same blood. But no need to hurry that discovery.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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