A little levity can help break ice with returned ex

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A ghost from my past came back into my life over the holidays. He came back to our town to live in the house he inherited after his mother died.

He’s a designer and builder, and with help he opened up the main floor of his old family house so it’s more modern. He has also been driving his mom’s fancy car.

He is two years older than me and we dated for most of his Grade 12 year before he took off to seek his fortune. My ears have always been wide open for anything juicy about him.

He isn’t shy. He invited a whole bunch of people over for a New Year’s Day party.

I was invited but didn’t go out of shyness. Now I wish I had because it was the talk of the town — and he’s one of the only single guys around here over 25.

I heard he has an office set up in the house, and I know he works remotely much of the time.

Even after we broke up, I always missed him.

My question is how can I get to know him again without being too forward? Looking out my upstairs window at his lit-up house isn’t getting me anywhere.

— Shy Ex, Southwestern Manitoba

Dear Shy Ex: Get on the phone or knock on his door. He may be wondering why you didn’t come to his party. Nothing can be accomplished by staying home and wishing this ex would come over and knock on your door. And depending on how big your town is, meeting him downtown may not feel private enough for a good conversation.

Go over there with an amusing gift that will make him laugh and apologize for missing his wonderful party. Humour is a great icebreaker for two people who once dated — and if your breakup wasn’t overly negative, the gift will probably be welcome.

If you have a couple old pictures of something fun you two did together, bring them as well. Good luck.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I keep dreaming of my recent girlfriend — mostly nightmares. She broke up with me just before Christmas and was very secretive about the reason why. I had to take her lingerie gift back, which was quite embarrassing for me.

I think there’s a good chance she’s a lesbian or at least bisexual. I always see her in my dreams with one woman or another — usually people with whom she was suspiciously close to for my taste. Plus, there were just too many girls sleepovers involving only two people for me to understand.

It’s still very confusing, and it hurts so badly.

Now, what do you think this means? She keeps phoning me, but says she doesn’t want to date me anymore.

Like that old Stevie Nicks/Tom Petty song says, I wish she would stop dragging my heart around.

— Confused and Hurt, North Kildonan

Dear Confused and Hurt: Your mind suspects your recent girlfriend is with a woman, but is that really so? Perhaps it makes reality more acceptable if you imagine her with another woman, rather than a male competitor.

Now here’s the fact to really grab onto. She was not the final match for you. And if you can stop thinking about her, then a woman who suits you better, who is exciting and fun, may be just around the bend for you.

To get yourself ready for a great new relationship, see a psychologist or relationship counsellor and address the difficulties in your last relationship. Then it will be time to talk about what kind of personality would suit you in your next romantic adventure.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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