Stop over-stressing about mom’s bad habits

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This article was published 07/09/2024 (702 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother is giving me grief over her loose morals and constant partying. I’m 54 and single because of her behaviour.

After my religious father died, my mom discovered the joys of drinking and gambling. There’s nothing she likes better than a loud, scuzzy bar.

I really don’t care for my mom’s taste in men — the type with their shirts unbuttoned down past their chest hair and a beer in one hand. Ugh.

She parties hard all month and then has to slow down until her cheques come. She’s broke pretty fast after they arrive and then comes after me for more money, which she says is for food. But when I offer to buy her groceries and bring them to her she always tells me not to because when I do come over, she always has lots of food and there’s usually evidence some guy has been there.

What should I do about her?

— Tired of Games, North Kildonan

Dear Tired: Stop trying to mother your mother. It’s time to live your own life.

To avoid any guilt, keep ensuring your mom’s freezer and fridge are stocked, then relax. She’ll phone you if she’s lacking something, and probably more than you want her to call.

It’s time for you to join Al-Anon (al-anon.org), which is for friends and family of alcoholics, so you can learn to let go a little and live your own life — and also meet some people who understand how you feel.

Then there’s your own social life — you need to rebuild one. So, make an updated list of old friends and contact the ones you haven’t had time for because of looking after your mom. Apologize for that briefly, but don’t go on about it, looking like you want sympathy.

Offer to take old pals out for lunch and get reacquainted, and before you leave the restaurant, set up a date to go to a movie or live show.

Start building back your social life like this, week by week because you really deserve it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Let me tell you about being lonely with a capital L.

I’m single again and feeling super-bored. I feel sorry for myself watching neighbours and their kids getting ready to go to school, jobs and their little clubs or sporting activities.

I’ve been single for six months, and I’m feeling OK now, but I don’t have a partner to get me out. Most people I know are still married.

My wife used to do all the social organizing with the other guys’ wives. Now she has another guy. I liked being busy and having a sociable partner, but she and I have parted over an affair she had. I still have lots of energy and desire to go places, but I’m shy until I get there and start dancing. Then I’m the life of the party.

I have an interesting job that keeps me from being depressed during the day, but then the sun sets and I’m all alone again.

I’m honestly relieved to be free of the woman I married, but I’m feeling lost as a single guy. Please advise me what options I have now summer is over. I know I’m missing out on life, but I don’t know what to do.

— Ready to Live Again, East Kildonan

Dear Ready to Live: The best thing you can do as a new single is “over-join and filter out.”

You could start by doing some research online into local activities-based singles groups. Meetup.com’s Winnipeg page is a good resource for local sports, arts-and-crafts workshops, board-game groups, many other special-interest opportunities and off-the-wall activities — lots of fun out in the community and online. Their website is huge, and many activities are open to people of any marital status.

Another great option is volunteering, especially for a group or organization you’re passionate about, as you may meet like-minded people to connect with. Visit volunteermanitoba.ca to find out about opportunities.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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