Trust your instincts over invasive ex’s impact

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/01/2024 (980 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a man who is wonderful but his ex-wife is out of control and I’m not sure I want to get more seriously involved.

He’s in the middle of a messy divorce and his wife is out for blood. She seems to be torturing him every way she can, including withholding access to their kids. She says he should see the light and go home where he belongs.

I’m head-over-heels with this guy — I like his personality, his decency and his romantic nature — but the stuff she’s putting him through is so bad I’m not sure I want her on the edge of my life.

He’s been willing to make huge compromises just to be rid of her, and that’s causing me to lose respect for him. I feel he should defend himself, but whenever he draws a line in the sand his ex goes nuclear. And when it comes his kids, he’s forced to see her in order to see them.

She’s been dragging things out on the divorce settlement just to maintain contact with him. I have no faith the legal system will provide him justice, and I’m not prepared to have his ex-wife bothering us for the rest of our lives. Should I walk away?

— Deeply Upset, Transcona

Dear Deeply: If you stay with this man, the ex-wife is going to do her utmost to make both of you miserable for years. You don’t need the punishment. And, let’s face it, you admit your romantic relationship with this man has already started to lose a bit of its magic as he bows and scrapes to his ex in order to see the children he loves.

Your loss of respect will cool off this romance faster than you think, so just give it a little more time before walking away.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A ghost just walked back into my life from another world. I recently lost my wife, and four days after the funeral, this woman I went out with decades go came to my house in the afternoon with a sympathy card and her condolences.

She also brought a bottle of alcohol and mix, remembering what I liked to drink in the old days. After the initial conversation ran out, she suggested we play cards like we used to in our 20s.

A few drinks along and we were getting a bit silly. I realized I hadn’t had that much fun in years with a woman. My wife got quite serious and was not much fun in her 50s when she was always down at the church for different meetings.

Well, my old girlfriend and I killed that bottle, and she was tipsy to say the least. I told her she couldn’t drive home in that shape and offered her the spare bedroom. The next day we made ham and eggs and played cards again. I could tell she didn’t want to leave. And then, the doorbell rang.

It was my youngest daughter. She took in the scene and I saw her making judgments. Five minutes later, she roared out the driveway.

How much of an explanation do I owe my daughter? She means well, but she jumps to conclusions. I do l like this old girlfriend. What should I say?

— Feeling Guilty, West Fort Garry

Dear Guilty: The plain truth often sounds better than a scrabbled-together story, so tell your daughter what happened, starting with the surprise knock on your door. She may take that story in, and chew on it for a while. Let her do that in peace. A day or two later it could don on her that you seemed happy and she isn’t feeling so much pressure to look after you.

In fact, she might even do a turnaround and try to match-make by suggesting you call the woman and thank her for the sympathy visit. By that time, you and the woman from your past may already have had another date or two, but thank your daughter, saying, “That’s a fine idea — I think I’ll just do that.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography