Give parents space to work out the details

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mom has shocked me and my brother (we’re both teenagers) by getting a new boyfriend so soon after breaking up with our dad — a really nice guy.

I just told my dad about her new boyfriend, and he said, “Oh, I think that guy’s been on the scene a while.”

I went back to my mom and asked if her new “friend” (that’s what she calls him) had been on the scene a while, like dad told me.

She said, “Just a very little while.” What is that supposed to mean?”

— Confused Son, Winnipeg

Dear Confused Son: Your mom and your dad may not want to put a precise date on this new romance, so they just use words like “a while.”

It doesn’t really make any difference right now for you kids to know all the details and the exact timeline of your parents’ romantic concerns.

It is important now to try to get along with both your parents when you see them. Focus on your own concerns to try to keep smooth relationships going with both mom and dad.

At the least, try not to side with one parent against the other. Leave the two of them to focus on their own interpersonal issues.

If you want some help sorting things out, ask your folks to find a counsellor for you.

A month from now when school starts again, there will be guidance counsellors available. Then you will be able to talk freely about the situation with your parents and learn how best to cope.

If you’re feeling a bit reticent, you could also ask your favourite teacher to help set up a first meeting with a counsellor.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A younger boss I reported to at my previous job recently asked me to go out on a dinner date with him. I had always been attracted to him, so I said yes.

After a dinner that cost him a small fortune, he took me to see his new place just outside the city and to meet his dog and other animals. I love farm animals and he was so excited to watch me interact with them. He seemed almost relieved.

When we went into a small barn together, we shared a nice kiss before we went into his house. He put on some music and we started making out in the living room.

But then he stood up, pulled me up and started leading me toward his bedroom. I stepped away and let him know sex on a first date was just too soon for me.

He said, “No problem at all. We have tons of time.” It was as if he thought we were a couple already. I didn’t think so.

I looked at my watch and grabbed my coat, signalling it was time for me to go.

On the way to my house, he was singing (off-key) along with the radio, inserting my name into the lyrics. Suddenly, I couldn’t care less about him.

How come I was so turned off by his behaviour after wanting him so much when I worked for him?

— Big Turn-Offs, Whyte Ridge

Dear Turn-Offs: You were crazy about him when he was your boss, so consider the possibility your attraction had something to do (even subconsciously) with pursuing a person in authority.

That aspect may have turned you on sexually — along with him being relatively young and independent with his own home in the country.

It’s best if you can work past this way of thinking — that a person should be something above you that you need to chase.

This is especially vital for long-term happiness in a relationship. People are happiest living and loving together if the game-playing is over and they make a good team.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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