Investigate what you need to move forward

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I had my heart broken by a woman over the holiday season, and it still isn’t healed. I hired a person who calls herself a private investigator and now I know everywhere this ex who didn’t want me is going.

It turns out she hits certain places in town where her preferred type of romantic partner hangs out. I can’t compete with them, and I don’t want to, but I do love her like no one else can. I’m an ordinary man, but she’s an odd woman with some problems I know I could help her with if she would let me into her heart.

She’s gentle and harmless, and so am I, but I’m almost ready to give up on her. Any suggestions?

— Losing Hope, Crescentwood

Dear Losing Hope: Only this woman can feel what she needs and wants in a partner. Sadly for you, she needs a type of relationship that’s different from what you offer. There’s nothing you can do about that, except possibly be platonic pals, but she may not even want that. It’s totally up to her to decide and you must respect her decision.

So rather than dwelling on and having someone actually tail the woman who left you, you should be enlisting a different sort of professional to help you investigate what you need to do to move on in a healthy way and find a fulfilling bond with someone new. Speak to a relationship counsellor or psychologist and focus on yourself and the future, rather than obsessing over this ex.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I thought I was in love with my new man until my ex-boyfriend (my first love) came home from university in Ontario for Christmas. He saw me with my new guy and then made a huge effort to recapture my heart. It felt great and it worked. Or so I thought.

But now that he’s back at his school and I’m at university here, he’s stopped contacting me much at all. I’m starting to feel like a fool. It’s obvious to me now he just had to prove he could chase my new guy off, but he doesn’t really care about me.

Now what? The boyfriend I snubbed deserved much better than he got from me, and now he’s hurt and hardly talking to me either.

Please help, or soon I’ll have nobody.

— So Mixed Up, West Broadway

Dear Mixed Up: The ex-boyfriend didn’t indicate he was still interested in you until somebody else appeared to have captured your heart. That means he should be off your love list, and for good.

The new guy at home couldn’t compete with the first guy in your heart, so he should also be off your list as well.

That leaves you free in the midst of a school term — and that’s not a terrible situation. It’s time to take a rest from the man hunt, hang out with good friends and study hard.

To clear your head, see if you can have at least one good chat with a relationship counsellor so you can free of lingering questions about these guys who didn’t pan out for you.

Then you can channel your energy into your studies and career path. There’s a group of bright men and woman in your classes who have serious interests similar to yours. This could provide a good shot at a better romance down the road.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was looking out the kitchen window of my apartment when I saw someone familiar carrying in boxes of belongings. I just closed the curtains and shook my head. This woman used to live in the building, and caused no end of trouble with her parade of partners. Never content with one special person, she would come over to whine to me about this one or that one.

I do not want her back living here, but I don’t own the block. How do I keep her from coming to my door to buddy up? I don’t want her ridiculous problems in my life.

— End of My Rope, West End

Dear End of My Rope: Use this line with her: “I have a new rule. I don’t give out advice unless people pay me, and upfront.” That should turn her off, and she probably won’t even want a casual friendship. However, she may keep testing the waters, which means you’ll have to hold fast to this strategy and not give in.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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