Simulated stimulation stirs real humiliation

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This article was published 08/11/2023 (1011 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a woman in my early 70s. I work out regularly and keep myself looking good. My husband, who is in his mid-70s, has kept a stack of Playboy and other girlie magazines that date back 50 years. This has always bothered me.

We have a good sex life, but I’m sometimes wondering who he’s thinking about when we have sex. Recently, I told him I wanted those magazines out of the house. He said he understood. They were all put in the garbage and I made sure they were taken away.

Now I’ve discovered stacks of Sports Illustrated bikini editions. I know he loves me and appreciates that I keep myself in shape, but I’m angry. How does an older woman compete with 20-year-olds?

Am I out of line to throw them out? I don’t know how often they are looked at, but the fact they were not thrown out bothers me. I don’t understand the insensitivity of many males. I’m considering telling him to turn to his magazines the next time he wants sex.

Am I too sensitive? How do I deal with this? He also spends a lot of time on the internet when I go to bed.

— Angry Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Angry Wife: No wonder your husband didn’t fuss over losing the Playboy magazines — he had a backup stash, and he still has an active sex life with you. He had all his bases covered, until you started to revolt.

When Playgirl magazine was on the scene, it annoyed men that women looked at nude men with perfect bodies, but it rarely caused breakups. Why? Because men knew they were the real thing and pooh-poohed the paper competition. Some guys believed it just got their wives and girlfriends geared up to have real sex with a real man.

But now, online relationships, phone sex and sexting are much stronger competition than magazine porn — and not necessarily as a warm-up for the partner waiting in the bedroom. That makes things more serious.

Consider taking this problem into counselling, starting with private sessions for yourself. Then invite your husband. He clearly doesn’t understand how serious the problem has become, and how the loss of trust can lead to the loss of passion for a woman.

He’s lucky he has a wife who wants to make love at this point in his life!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend from high school has come back into my life, uninvited. She just got hired at my work under her married name, and I didn’t know about it until I saw her.

She’s now sitting in a private office at the back of our big office doing high-level computer work. They hired her because she’s “the best,” or so I hear. Isn’t that just dandy for me? Now I have to work in the same place as the girl who broke my heart. When she arrived in the office, I was shocked and so was she. I said a polite but cool hello to her, but she just cut to the chase. She said, “Sorry, but I’ve been living out of province. I didn’t know you worked here.”

I said, “OK, I wish you the best,” and went back to my desk.

Now I feel sick every day. I don’t know what to do. Should I start looking for a new job? I have to face it — I’m still half in love with that woman. At my level of computer skill, there are quite a few jobs out there, but she’d still guess why I left.

— Twice the Loser! downtown Winnipeg

Dear Twice: When somebody’s presence in your workplace causes you to feel sick and stressed, and you have the option to go elsewhere, life is too short not to opt for the better situation. You don’t have to tough it out to prove anything to yourself, or anybody else. Plus, it really doesn’t matter what this old ex thinks about your hasty exit.

Just take care of your own mental and emotional health. You’ll be glad you did, and you’ll quickly be able to perform well again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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