Conflict, criticism will eat away at you both

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My maxi-sized boyfriend eats in bed, as well as everywhere else. Every night he makes a heaping plate of fattening, super-salty foods and brings it to our bedroom, as he’s done ever since he was a teenager living at home. He never kicked the habit.

He’s a very chubby guy now, to put it mildly, but he’s also the most fun human being I’ve ever been with. When I first met him, I didn’t criticize anything because he was my amazing guy. Now I’m after him all the time to eat less because I’m afraid he’ll die young from the garbage he’s shovelling into his mouth.

This week he told me if I don’t get off his back about his eating, he’ll have to end things with me, as he’s losing his desire for me. What? I am a runner, and my body is in perfect shape. Who would have thought it would come to him threatening to dump me because he’s turned off?

What should I do? I love him very much and just want him to live to a normal age and be healthy. Now he’s turning this into a weird kind of battle. Help me, please.

— The Healthy One, River Heights

Dear Healthy One: There’s no point in constantly criticizing someone you love to try to force them into doing something you want them to do — even if it is healthiest move for them.

You have to accept people for who they are to a great degree. Your boyfriend is addicted to food, just as other people can be addicted to alcohol and drugs. And right now, the weight is not an issue to him and he’s fighting back by giving you an ultimatum to stop badgering him about it.

He has the right to do that, but if this type of standoff persists, it really may drive a further wedge between you. So if you can somewhat accept him for who he is now, maybe down the line he’ll start seeing the negative impacts on his health and be motivated to make some changes. But if you can’t stop the confrontational criticism, do you really want years and years of begging him to eat healthier? Maybe not.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Spring is here and gardeners like me are gearing up for summer when the flowers come out to bloom.

I just can’t stay away from the plant nurseries right now. My partner — a gardener and woman like me — is also spending a lot for the garden. Like, she spent almost $1,000 last week on flowering plants and sapling trees.

As a teacher, she has the money for it, yet she says she doesn’t have enough cash for a private little wedding with me.

What do I do with this pain in my heart?

— Not the Love of Her Life? West End

Dear Not the Love: It hurts to see hard-earned funds going into plants and flowers for a garden when you long to be carrying a bouquet at a wedding.

Have you clearly talked with your partner about marriage, or have you just hinted? It’s seems the time to come right out with it. Even if she may have acted like she doesn’t care about a wedding, she may want one deep in her heart and be waiting for you to ask her.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Do people celebrate their pets’ birthdays? I know the exact date of the night our pup was born, and I would like to have a special dinner with his favourite kind of treats.

I would invite the people who have stayed with him and walked him while I was at work in the last year. Is that silly? Should I do this, or will people laugh behind my back?

— Big Dog Daddy, West Kildonan

Dear Dog Daddy: Go for it. People came to love and value their pets even more during the pandemic. A lot of that feeling has remained, and that’s a good thing for pet-loving folks.

If friends of yours also have dogs, make sure to include them when sending out invites for the birthday party. Put a funny hat on your pooch for an invitation photo.

Friends may laugh, but it won’t be mean laughter, and you may get some sweet notes back.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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