Don’t heed pressure to ‘measure up’ as a mom

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This article was published 16/05/2024 (870 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I come from a very kid-friendly family. My mother had six children and wanted more. I’m 31 and have two. I want to go for three and quit working to stay home and look after the kids, but my husband has started insisting on condoms because he doesn’t trust me when I’m in baby-making mode.

I thought we had a great marriage and great life with our kids — but now he’s balking. He says we can’t afford a third with only one parent bringing in a salary and doesn’t want to have to take on night work as well as his day job, because then he would never see the children. Point taken.

I suggested I could teach one more year and save my whole salary, and then get pregnant.

He said no. He said the extra year of me working would only take care of the first year, but then he would have no life because he would be stuck on an endless work treadmill where he would have no time to spend with me or the kids.

What an exaggeration. Why is he being so selfish?

— Just One More, River Heights

Dear Just One More: Why are you comparing yourself to your mother several decades later when life has become so expensive, especially for families with kids? You have two healthy children now and a good job, but you are stuck on a bigger number of children to make your family finally feel fulfilling.

If you push your husband to break his back working all the time, never seeing you and the kids, you could lose him.

The secret to happiness in some cultures is based on the premise “love what you have.” That means to deeply, consciously enjoy your husband and the children you already have, and be happy about the jobs that support your family comfortably. You can’t live your mother’s lifestyle in these times without causing stress that could end your marriage.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m an older woman who was having a great sex life outside my otherwise happy marriage.

My husband and I always loved each other as friends — we share the same sense of humour — but we were never a great pair in bed. We decided together that five years after the kids left, we would try an open marriage.

We have been happy with the situation for a couple of years — being very polite and considerate about it, moving into our own bedrooms in our house, and acting more like roommates. We never discuss in any detail our outside relationships.

Then along came this very special man last fall — and I heard all the bells and whistles go off. He and I have been struggling with falling romantically in love for six months, but the more we resisted, the bigger the love and attraction grew. To make things harder, he and his wife have just split for good (his decision).

Now that the bull is out of the pen, he’s demanding I decide between him and my husband, but I still love my husband and always will. I’m afraid he would die of hurt and humiliation if I left him for “the man who’s trying to steal my wife,” as my husband calls him. Please help me.

— Totally Messed Up, Sage Creek

Dear Messed Up: You were married and just playing for fun, but your lover was not-so-married and found himself open to a love relationship. As much as it would hurt you to break it off with the passionate other man, it doesn’t sound like you are leaving your husband. So break it off with the “outside” man because he is hurting badly and will need to heal.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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