You’ll feel better asserting self, going own way

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This article was published 11/10/2024 (721 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m such a pushover, I never get to do what I want to do! People say I’m “easygoing” but the truth is I can be pushed around, because I’m so scared of losing friends.

I do a lot of things I really don’t want to do. I’ve been wasting a lot of time thinking about this, lying in bed at night and not being able to sleep. I’m so weak, I make myself sick. Help me grow a backbone, please.

— People-Pleaser, The Maples

Dear People-Pleaser: It’s tough always being a follower. In your case, you have a “limiting belief” that your friends hold all the power and you can’t control anything. You think you must get on that train, and go along with what they want to do, or risk losing their friendships.

Worst of all, once you’re on board, you feel you can’t get off until the boss buddy puts on the brakes.

The good news? You’re not doomed to ride along with someone else’s dictated course of action. To rid yourself of this belief, consider some counselling sessions. With some help, you can learn to enjoy making your own decisions and how to say no without being rude. They can assist you to find the confidence to happily carry on in your own direction, even if it’s different from everyone else’s.

To make things easier right now, you should have at the ready a polite but firm refusal for your present friends, when you don’t want to go along. Consider this: “You can do that if you like, but I’d prefer to do (such-and-such) today. If you don’t want to join me, I look forward to hanging out with you again soon.”

Just don’t scuttle this assertive move by sticking around for any debate. Just be pleasant with your new assertiveness, and it will likely not result in the end of your friendships.

Occasionally, you might lose a pushy friend, but most people will respect you have your own ideas and are not a blind follower anymore. If they don’t, it’s time to add new and better friends to your circle.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was lying in bed the other night with my new girlfriend, when she asked me slyly if I knew a certain woman who has an unusual name. I noticed the sexy way she said her friend’s long Latino name — like it was something delicious in her mouth.

Suddenly, I knew exactly where this was headed. I’d heard gossip that my new mate was bisexual, but she’d never really told me. Suddenly I felt like I was just the first act in a two-act play, and I should get myself prepared. So, I said nothing.

Either she knew how I felt, or she knows how to get a guy to the point where he’s begging to be introduced to the other half of her circus! Now what? I’m actually nervous.

— Feeling Manipulated, St. Boniface

Dear Manipulated: This is not the kind of thing a new love partner usually wants to introduce in the beginning, when there are still intense emotions and insecurities. Your new girlfriend may be seeing you more as an attractive playmate, rather than a real lover.

It’s not likely you’re going to want to stick around for her sexual “experiments.” If it seems like a circus to you, and that you may be expected to be the ringmaster, then bow out now. A threesome is just not your scene in reality, even if may be a fleeting fantasy.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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