Seeds of mistrust sown prior to your vows

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This article was published 26/07/2024 (825 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new wife, who is unemployed and has staying been at the lake with me enjoying the summer on my money, hits the public beach every day about 11 a.m. She goes with her married girlfriend from this little beach development we’re in. They go “to tan.”

I believe that part of their story because I can see the evidence. They always come back in the afternoon a couple hours later, looking hot and browner. Then they make a pitcher of cocktails to drink with our lunch on the deck. Fine with me!

But now, their lunches with me have become suspiciously short in duration. They quickly get in my wife’s car and “take off for the beach” again. At least, that’s what they were telling me.

A week ago, a beach friend told me he spotted my wife’s car (it has an unusual custom paint job) at the casino way down the highway. He went in to see if I might be there too. Nope! Just the two women, stuffing money into the machines like there was no tomorrow, or so he told me.

It seems she’s been lying to me, just like my first wife! She knew that’s what broke my first marriage up. How could she do this? I made her promise before we married that she’d never lie, no matter what she did. But hiding the truth of where she’s been going is a very big lie to my mind! And worse, it turns out she’s been gambling with my money on a daily basis for weeks.

Now what? We were barely speaking, so we both came home to Winnipeg. I also told her she has to find a job.

Last night she called me and said she was back at the lake staying with her girlfriend’s cabin for a while. I didn’t even question her as to how long. Is it over?

— Fooled Again, St. Vital

Dear Fooled Again: Unfortunately the painful hangover you felt from your first marriage — especially the lack of trust — made its way into your second marriage. How? You made your new wife swear she wouldn’t commit the same sins as the first wife, as if you believed she would.

To be distrusted before one even starts a marriage can make a person resentful. They may think, “What’s the point of even trying? I’ll always be distrusted, so I might as well have some fun on the sly.”

Even if you’re definitely going to break up, you two need counselling, because you can’t even communicate decently over a divorce, with this kind of stalemate. If counselling isn’t going to happen, your lawyers will have to consult you both separately, and then talk to each other, and hope the deal turns out somewhat close to what you hoped for.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is a festival freak. He has his summers free because he’s a teacher and just goes from one great fest to the next, He has the whole summer mapped out on the wall.

I don’t have that freedom as a nurse, so I’m only with him for a few days at the Winnipeg Folk Festival, and then a couple more days at the end of the summer. Boo hoo! In the meantime, he’s off with his other friends — teachers for the most part — having a ball for the rest of the summer.

What’s my problem? I’m jealous, plain and simple. I can’t help but make snarky remarks when he and his friends are yapping away making plans for all the great stuff they’ll take in at the next festival.

I missed the whole folk festival this year because I had to work and sleep, work and sleep, ad nauseam. How can I make my social life better?

— Cranky and Jealous, Wolseley

Dear Cranky and Jealous: If you can find some friends who enjoy things that are not reliant on a nailed-down schedule — board games, barbecues, recreational sports, movies — this can supplement the festivals you’re able attend with your guy. That will likely help you stop feeling quite so sad and left out.

To really balance things out socially, you’ll need to build extra-strong friendships with people who don’t have entire summers off, like your boyfriend!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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