Fess up to sis about sneaky smooch haunting you

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This article was published 13/06/2024 (511 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I kissed my older sister’s fiancé, and it wasn’t just a peck. I’m embarrassed and still feel guilty thinking about it. It happened years ago up at our family’s cabin. They had just gotten engaged, at the age of 21, and she was flaunting her diamond engagement ring. I was 16 and real jealous.

She was always bragging to her girlfriends about him and what a great kisser he was, so, naturally, I was also very attracted to him! We were having a “cabin clean-up party” up at the lake without parents, and I got very drunk on purpose. I wanted to see if I could get him to kiss me. He wouldn’t, so I basically waited until we were alone smoking outside the cabin, in the dark, and I grabbed his shirt and kissed him big time — a kiss he could never forget.

I felt victorious right after, but by the morning guilt had arrived. I never did confess! It has always bothered me. My sister and I were close before, but not so much after that kiss, because I always carried guilt in my heart. Even now I still feel it, like an old bruise. Should I confess to my sister what I did, or is the suffering I feel my penance?

— Guilty as Sin, St. Boniface

Dear Guilty: What if you’ve been carrying guilt all this time for nothing? There’s a good chance your brother- in-law told your sister about the embrace many years ago — and that you actually grabbed him and kissed him!

He may even have told her you were a junior-league kisser, and they might have had a laugh. Maybe she intentionally let you suffer, or perhaps it didn’t mean anything to her, then or since.

It’s time to confess, in the interests of your own emotional health and your crippled relationship with your sister — and apologize from your heart. Even if she’s mad for a bit, Sis might end up smiling. Why? Because she won that man long ago, and your one-time kiss behind the cabin didn’t change anything, for them.

If she’s actually known all along (from him), she might even say “sorry” back to you, for letting you feel guilty all these years. The fact is she won that guy in a big way years ago, and clearly hasn’t suffered over your one kiss. You were just a jealous teenager who got drunk and planted one on her fiancé. You’ve certainly suffered enough!

Either her fiancé “protected” her from knowing — so you two sisters wouldn’t be torn apart — or it meant nothing to him that you got drunk and ambushed him. It wasn’t his fault, so he may have felt no need to report it and cause a fuss with his mate.

The best thing about unburdening yourself with a confession, is that you will feel free, even if your sister is mad at you for a little while. She’s likely to say something like this: “You were very young, and you’ve suffered more than enough. You didn’t cause me any real pain, or I would have come after you! Let’s just forget about it.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just got my screened-in office set up — my beautiful work haven for June through September. I’m living in a farmhouse/cabin on a river a few miles away from a little town. Now this guy and his family have just moved onto the property next door, to rebuild the little house over the summer.

Yesterday, I was out in the backyard, planting a few flowers, and this guy called over the hedge, ”Hey neighbour. Want to come on over and see what we’re up to?” I said, “No thanks, I’m way too busy!” and stomped back into my house. It was a total lie! Then the tears started coming. It’s my right to want privacy, isn’t it?

— Feeling Beaten, On the Red River

Dear Beaten: Being unfriendly is not going to lessen the construction noise. In fact, it will only sound louder. You’d be best to trot over next door with a smile and an apology, and try to get to know the neighbours. It may be your unfortunate loss not to welcome their friendship, especially out in the country. If you are sick or injure yourself, the power goes out or your vehicle won’t start, country neighbours will generally come running to the rescue. And let’s hope you soften up, and learn to do the same!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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