Come together to fix mess and keep son on track

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This article was published 11/09/2023 (1125 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I packed up our first summer cabin since we came to Canada and came home to a big shock — our home basement had been used as a party place for our son’s friends for three weeks. The carpets in the basement rooms have big stains and smell from spilled beer and wine. The sofas are stained and smell, too, and one has a big tear.

My wife was very upset. She screamed at our son and slapped his face that first night and cried in her sleep. I’m getting over it more easily than she is. We were going to help our son with his university tuition and let him live at home, but the feelings are bad now. Where we come from, young people don’t act without respect to their parents.

My son may have to cancel his university and get a job this fall, if my wife decides it. I have some money I could throw in, because I’m afraid our son can’t go to university this fall if he has to pay to fix everything. He was going to be the first from our family here in Canada to go university.

— How to Help? Winnipeg

Dear How to Help: Your son needs to know he made a big mistake and must make proper amends to his parents, but he should also know he is not a complete failure and that your family will work this out. Express confidence that you three are strong and can heal from this problem and let him know he can still start university this fall.

Your contribution to the project should be a list of what needs to be done and approximate costs. You could pay for things that already needed to be replaced, before the party damage happened.

In a private chat, suggest your son come up with a plan to pay for a portion of the needed repairs or refurnishing. If he needs a better part-time job to pay for that — possibly on weekends — help him look for one, using your contacts. That might help to ease some of the upset.

Also, encourage your wife to contribute to the planning and redecorating process. The idea is to make it possible to fix this mess — both the physical repairs and the emotional ones — and to get your son to university, as was planned.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I caught my second husband cheating and it may be my fault. When we first started dating, I told him cheating on me was a deal-breaker. I told him my first husband did it, and I let him get away with it, because the children were so young and needed a daddy at home.

Finally, the kids grew up and we divorced. Whew! I started dating. Finally I thought I found real love and a better husband. I confessed my whole marriage story to him. Now, after only two years of marriage, I’ve caught him cheating on me.

I lost it completely! I packed all his belongings and had them delivered to his office by 5 p.m. the next day. Then I called my former divorce lawyer and got him drawing up papers. My second husband is in complete shock, begging me for another chance. He actually thought I’d forgive a first offence, since I did so with my children’s father.

Yesterday, he offered me a “hall pass” to see another guy and “get even, with no questions asked.” Is he off his rocker? Is this hall pass really a thing couples are doing?

— First I’ve Heard! East Kildonan

Dear First I’ve Heard: Your second husband may have gotten this concept from the movie Hall Pass, with Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis. They played buddies whose wives gave them a “hall pass” to enjoy a week off from their lacklustre marriages, no questions asked!

Should you heal up, and want a quality third marriage, keep complaints and details about your two cheating ex-husbands to yourself. Just say, “We weren’t compatible, I’m afraid.” It’s much smarter and safer than telling a prospective new partner the dirty tricks you let a former husband get away with to keep your marriage intact.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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