Work on yourself before diving back into dating

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This article was published 09/09/2023 (1125 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I recently made a mistake, and hooked up with a woman who is much younger than me. I’m 36 and she’s only 22. We met at a bar with a great live country band. We laughed and danced together all night. She seemed really cool and chill, so we took off and did our thing for the rest of the night.

But since then, she has demonstrated I had a wrong first impression about her. I had to tell her to cool down, and that I didn’t want a serious relationship. That has not gone well, and she’s gotten more clingy and demanding.

The other day she had the nerve to call my work. She told one of my co-workers I was her boyfriend, and to put me on the phone. That wasn’t warranted and people laughed about that. She’s been calling me daily at home, at work, whenever — getting very possessive.

I would tell her to get lost but I just don’t want to be alone again. I recently escaped a bad marriage and I’m lonely. I miss seeing my one-year-old baby boy, who lives with my ex-wife. What should I do?

— Trouble Magnet, St. Norbert

Dear Trouble Magnet: The aching loneliness following a marriage breakup has gotten a lot of people into trouble, particularly when they’re missing their babies. Casual dating doesn’t help fill the hole in their hearts, but they don’t want to be alone either. It’s time for you to back up a few steps. Take some time off dating, get some counselling and get back on your feet emotionally before you start dating again.

You know in your heart this demanding young woman is wrong for you, but you’re still hanging onto her and preventing any chance of finding someone more suitable. Your current dating attitude — “I’m here for a good time, not a long time” — is also getting in the way.

Since your little boy is the person you really need to see more of, try to negotiate another day, half-day or overnight on the weekends to have him with you. You need that more than you need romance right now. That will give your ex-wife a chance to have more of a social life, or even just a rest from her busy life. Hopefully, she’ll be OK with a slightly adjusted plan if you ask her the right way.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My closest girlfriend since high school has been my shoulder to cry on when I’m having boyfriend troubles. She’s also been my confidante and heard all my bragging about my latest guy, and our sex life.

Then things started to cool down between her and I when summer started. I didn’t know why, until my older brother, the fisherman, spotted my best friend with my boyfriend at a beach and they were all over each other. My brother called to tell me. He was very upset. Naturally, I went into shock. I phoned my boyfriend immediately, but he just let it ring and ring. Later he called me back and all he said was a cold, “So now you know.”

I couldn’t help myself. I started yelling and crying and screaming! He hung up. I’m heartbroken. I not only lost my boyfriend but also my best friend.

I realize now I told her way too much about our adventures in bed and on out-of-the-way beaches, but that’s still no excuse for what she did to me. I don’t want either of them back in my life, but I need to let them know how betrayed I feel. Please help me.

— Feeling Like a Wreck, Transcona

Dear Wreck: Those two people already know how much they devastated you, so it would be a waste of your time and a further embarrassment to start phoning them or writing angry letters.

With their cheating exposed and the ugliness becoming known to friends, their relationship will likely become less exciting. As for her personally, word gets around, and mutual friends may have distanced themselves from her already.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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