Making peace at work: finding calm after conflict

There’s nothing that can sour your workday faster than tension with a colleague. You see them in meetings, exchange clipped hellos and try to avoid each other in the lunchroom.

The conflict may have started small as a disagreement about priorities, a misunderstood comment or a perceived slight, but now it sits between you like a wall. It can feel impossible to relax or focus when someone you have to see every day is a source of frustration.

Here’s the hard truth: holding on to workplace conflict hurts you more than anyone else. It drains your energy, reduces job satisfaction and can even damage your professional reputation. You don’t have to be friends with your co-worker, but you do have to find a way to work together.

Repairing that relationship is not a favour to them, it’s an act of self-preservation.

Understanding cost of conflict

Most people underestimate how much tension at work takes out of them. When you’re in conflict, your body and mind stay on alert. You replay arguments, imagine comebacks or dread the next encounter. Over time, this kind of stress makes you less patient, creative and collaborative.

You start to interpret everything your co-worker does through a negative lens, which only reinforces the problem.

Workplaces are social systems. When one relationship becomes strained, it affects everyone. Colleagues may start choosing sides, avoiding group projects or steering clear of shared spaces. Managers notice the shift, even if no one says anything. What might have been a private issue can quickly turn into a team-dynamic problem.

The good news is most workplace conflicts are repairable. They rarely stem from deep personal incompatibility. More often, they grow from misunderstanding, unspoken expectations or mismatched communication styles. The key to resolving them is not to rehash who was right or wrong but to move toward calm co-operation.

Step 1: quiet your mind before you engage

Before any attempt at reconciliation, start by calming yourself. It’s tempting to go straight to the conversation, but doing so while angry or defensive can make things worse. Take a few days to let emotions settle. During that time, focus on grounding yourself. Talk to someone neutral or write down what’s bothering you. Seeing your thoughts on paper helps you sort the real issue from the noise.

Ask yourself a few honest questions: what exactly am I upset about? What part of this situation do I control? What outcome would make my workday easier?

These questions shift you from blame to problem-solving. You might realize what you need is not an apology, but simply a clearer way to work together.

Step 2: choose calm, clarity

When you’re ready to talk, approach your co-worker with an open tone. You can start with something simple like: “I think things have been tense between us, and I’d like to clear the air so we can work together more easily.”

It’s not about winning an argument, it’s about creating space for both of you to feel heard.

Stay calm, even if they don’t. Focus on the specific behaviours or situations that have been difficult, not on their character or intentions. Instead of saying, “You always ignore my emails,” try, “I noticed that my emails about the project weren’t answered and it made it hard for me to meet the deadline.” Keep your sentences short and factual.

Avoid bringing up old issues or generalizing. The goal is to identify how to make the working relationship smoother going forward. If they respond defensively, don’t match their tone. Listen quietly, acknowledge what they’ve said, and restate your goal: to work more effectively together.

Step 3: create new ground rules

After you’ve talked, it’s time to set some informal ground rules. You might agree to communicate through email for complex matters or to check in briefly once a week to prevent miscommunication. Even a small change in how you interact can prevent old patterns from returning.

If you can, find a neutral topic or task you both handle well together. Shared success, even on something minor, helps rebuild trust. Over time, consistent professionalism becomes the bridge back to a workable relationship.

Remember working together doesn’t have to mean friendship. You don’t have to start having lunch together or following each other on social media. Professional peace is about respect, not personal closeness. It’s enough to be polite, reliable and fair in your interactions.

Step 4: control what you can

You cannot control your co-worker’s reactions, only your own behaviour and attitude. Choose to conduct yourself in a way you’ll feel proud of later. Show up on time, communicate clearly and give them the benefit of the doubt, when possible. If they make a mistake, resist the urge to point it out publicly. Model the kind of calm, steady professionalism you wish they would show you.

There may still be moments when irritation flares. When that happens, take a breath before responding. You might find it helpful to mentally separate the person from the problem: “This isn’t about them being difficult; it’s about how we’re approaching this task differently.” That simple reframing reduces emotional charge and keeps you focused on solutions.

It’s also wise to maintain perspective. One strained relationship doesn’t define your entire job or your value at work. Concentrate on the colleagues you do get along with and the parts of your role you enjoy. Investing energy in positive connections will naturally balance the tension from the difficult one.

Step 5: forgive — at least a little

Forgiveness in a workplace context doesn’t mean excusing bad behaviour. It means choosing not to carry resentment into every future interaction. You can decide to let go of the grudge without pretending everything is fine.

Think of forgiveness as clearing mental clutter. The conflict has already cost you time and energy; holding on to it costs even more. By releasing the need to win or be vindicated, you regain your peace of mind. You might even discover your co-worker was struggling with pressures you didn’t know about. Many conflicts dissolve when seen in a fuller context.

Step 6: ask for mediation — if needed

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the tension remains. Maybe the other person refuses to engage or keeps undermining your work. In those cases, it’s appropriate to involve your manager. Not to complain or escalate, but to seek a neutral third party who can help.

You can say, “I’ve tried to resolve things directly, but it hasn’t improved. I’d appreciate some mediation so we can both move forward productively.” Most managers would much rather facilitate a calm discussion than watch a conflict fester. Mediation gives both sides a chance to express concerns with structure and support. It can also lead to agreements that are documented and reinforced, which helps prevent further misunderstanding.

Reward of repair

When you commit to repairing a strained working relationship, you take back control of your experience at work. You stop letting someone else’s behaviour dictate your mood or focus. More importantly, you demonstrate emotional intelligence and professionalism — qualities employers notice and respect.

Every workplace has moments of tension. What defines a healthy organization isn’t the absence of conflict, but how people respond to it. If you can meet conflict with calm, clarity and a willingness to rebuild trust, you set a tone that benefits everyone around you.

You don’t have to like your co-worker. You just have to decide that peace is worth more than being right. And once you do, you’ll find that the air feels lighter, your work feels smoother, and your days feel a lot less heavy.

Tory McNally, CPHR, BSc., vice-president, professional services, is a human resource consultant, radio personality and problem solver. She can be reached at tmcnally@tipipartners.com