Holiday haters

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This article was published 15/12/2018 (2850 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, especially if you happen to be a criminal.

’Tis the season for so-called “porch pirates” to snitch illuminated holiday decorations from the verandas of unsuspecting homeowners, or pilfer packages from cars parked outside bustling shopping malls.

A cursory glance at the news wires reveals there is no shortage of ne’er-do-wells earning a spot on Santa’s naughty list via petty criminal activities.

Consider the case of some grouchy guy who was spotted on surveillance video scowling at a Christmas display outside a home in suburban Indianapolis, then hopping in a black SUV and deliberately plowing over the family’s 12-foot-tall inflatable snowman.

Or the angry mom who spat in the face of one of Santa’s elves at a shopping centre in England after being told she could not take her child into the Christmas grotto in Stockton-on-Tees because she did not have a booking.

Not to mention the retirement home in Portsmouth, England, where elderly residents were left in tears after non-festive burglars stole their Christmas dinner, which the seniors had saved throughout the year to pay for.

So it’s lumps of coal for these small-time baddies, but they can’t hold a holiday candle to the heartless offenders on today’s soul-destroying list of the Top Five Christmas Movie Villains of All Time:

5) The Christmas villain(s): Marv and Harry (a.k.a. “The Wet Bandits,” a.k.a. “The Sticky Bandits”)

The merry movie(s): Home Alone (1990), and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Critiquing the creep(s): OK, they may not have been the most terrifying criminals in history, but for many of us, it wouldn’t be Christmas without watching this hapless duo — Marv, the tall and dim-witted thief, and partner Harry, a short, hot-headed crook — get their just desserts from Kevin McCallister, as portrayed by Macaulay Culkin.

We all know the premise: eight-year-old Kevin is accidentally left home alone on Christmas Eve when his family flies to Paris for a vacation. It’s Kevin’s dream come true — until Marv (Daniel Stern) and Harry (Joe Pesci) decide to burgle Kevin’s home because they think it’s empty. These idiots have earned the nickname “The Wet Bandits” because they turn on the taps and flood homes they’ve just robbed. What makes them really creepy is that, even after they learn Kevin is home alone, they stick to their evil plan. What the bumbling baddies aren’t counting on is that the boy will defend his home with the most amazing array of makeshift booby traps. It’s impossible not to laugh when Marv and Harry are beaned with bricks, pummelled by paint cans and set upon by pet spiders.

“For the filming, Joe Pesci had to be constantly reminded this was a family film and he couldn’t drop the F-bombs he was used to,” according to toptenz.net. “When it came time for Daniel Stern to have a tarantula crawl on his face, he agreed to do it just once. He had to pretend to scream, otherwise he would have scared the spider.”

In the sequel, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Kevin accidentally flies to the Big Apple while his family jets to Miami for the holidays. The pre-teen wreaks havoc on the “Sticky Bandits” (after escaping prison, Marv wraps his hand in tape to steal money from a donation bucket), who are trying to rob a toy store. They “may live a life of crime, but their multiple nights of pain at the hands of young Kevin have brought laughs to living rooms for years and almost allows us to forgive their villainy,” grizzlybomb.com gushes.

 

4) The Christmas villain: Hans Gruber

The merry movie: Die Hard (1988)

Critiquing the creep: Once again, it’s time to trim the tree, bake sugar cookies, sing Jingle Bells — and argue about whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

Despite what some surveys have found, Die Hard is easily a Christmas classic — it’s set at Christmas, some dead guy wears a Santa hat and good triumphs over evil. It has also become one of the most popular films of the holiday season. More importantly, you can’t have a great Christmas movie without a great villain, and the late, great British actor Alan Rickman is unforgettable in the role of German terrorist/thief Hans Gruber.

The movie focuses on a swell Christmas party in progress on the 30th floor of the Nakatomi Corp. building in L.A., but the fun comes to a violent end when the partygoers are taken hostage by a group of “terrorists” led by Gruber, who plans to steal $640 million from the highrise’s high-tech safe. Fortunately, streetwise NYPD cop John McClane is there, hoping to reconcile with his estranged wife, Holly, who is one of the hostages. Trapped like a rat, McClane battles the villains with a handgun and plenty of attitude. In the end, he shoots Hans with a concealed gun he taped to his back, and Hans falls out the window, but grabs Holly’s wrist, forcing McClane to unclasp the watch on her wrist and watch Gruber plummet to his death.

Our favourite Gruber quotes include: “I’m going to count to three. There will not be a four.” And: “I could talk about industrialization and men’s fashion all day but I’m afraid work must intrude.” Unlike some holiday baddies, Gruber never sees the error of his ways. “Gruber is not only a good holiday film villain, he’s one of the all-time greatest villains in film history,” cinelinx.com gushes.

And metro.co.uk rates him as the No. 1 baddie: “Lover of sharp suits, reader of Time magazine and exceptional thief, Hans is the seasonal villain who just keeps handing out the presents. Never afraid to do his own dirty work, Gruber is an evil terrorist who leads by example. Now we have our king of Christmas badassery.”

 

3) The Christmas villain: Old Man Potter

The merry movie: It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

Critiquing the creep: Not only is Henry F. Potter, as portrayed by the legendary Lionel Barrymore, one of the meanest Christmas villains, he’s listed as No. 6 on the American Film Institute’s list of the 50 greatest villains in all of American film history. Not too bad for a baddie.

Potter is the rich, wheelchair-bound, curmudgeonly old slumlord of the fictional town of Bedford Falls, where he owns the bank and almost everything else, except for the Bailey Brothers Building & Loan, which is run by good guy George Bailey, as portrayed by Jimmy Stewart.

Grumbles gunaxin.com: “If any wheelchair-bound curmudgeon deserves to be kicked down a long flight of stairs, it would be Mr. Potter. This soulless slumlord is a liar and a cheater who convinces lovable schlub George Bailey he’s a born loser worth more dead than alive.”

Snorts metro.co.uk: “This guy makes Oogie Boogie (The Nightmare Before Christmas) and Stripe (Gremlins) look like Elmo and Kermit. Mr. Potter is one nasty piece of work. This is what Ebenezer Scrooge would have been like if he had just enjoyed a decent night’s sleep on Christmas Eve. The only love he feels is for the dollar and he regards handing out loans to the poor as ‘sentimental hogwash.’”

As fans know, George contemplates suicide on Christmas Eve because he’s facing financial ruin after absent-minded Uncle Billy hands $8,000 of the Building & Loan’s cash to Potter in a rolled-up newspaper, then forgets all about it. Potter keeps the cash in hopes of destroying his rival. Fortunately, Clarence Odbody, “angel, second class,” comes to the rescue and shows George what life in Bedford Falls would be like if he was never born.

In the end, the entire town pitches in to save George, “the richest man in town.” As for Potter, cinelinx.com notes: “The worst part is, unlike the rest of the villains on this list, nothing bad or life-changing happens to Mr. Potter to change his ways. He gets away with everything.” No angel wings for him.

 

2) The Christmas villain: The Grinch

The merry movie(s): The Grinch (2018), How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) and the 1996 animated TV special

Critiquing the creep: You know you are right up there on Santa’s naughty list when your very name becomes synonymous with small-hearted folks who hate Christmas, much like the holiday criminals we mentioned at the start of this column. But, unlike most of the baddies on today’s list, the Grinch is both villain and hero.

It all began with Dr. Seuss’s beloved 1957 book How the Grinch Stole Christmas, which became the beloved 1966 animated TV special narrated by Boris Karloff, which became the 2000 live-action comedy film starring rubber-faced comedian Jim Carrey, which became the 2018 3D computer-animated movie now in theatres.

A lot of online lists of the top Christmas villains of all time put the Grinch in the No. 1 spot, but this columnist finds it hard to be too terrified by a grouchy, green-furred, cave-dwelling creature whose only companion is an incredibly cute pet dog named Max, who is forced to pull his sled while sporting a single reindeer horn on his head.

Still, in popular lexicon, the name is synonymous with Christmas-hating curmudgeons and greedy holiday buzz-kills throughout the world. Gushes People magazine: “Suffering from a chronic case of small heart, the Grinch and his pet dog Max conspire to steal all the presents from the citizens of Whoville. When the happy Whos celebrate Christmas morning anyway, the Grinch realizes there is more to Christmas than gifts, and his shrivelled heart miraculously grows three full sizes. Despite his literal change of heart, the Grinch continues to symbolize holiday party poopers everywhere.”

So the Grinch hates Christmas, but can’t prevent it from coming, and when he hears the present-less Whos singing… “What happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of Christmas came through and the Grinch found the strength of 10 grinches, plus two.”

So the reformed Grinch also stands as a symbol of redemption, which is nice. And he highlights the crass commercialization of Christmas, which is probably not good for the economy. Also, he gets to carve the “roast beast,” which means he’s got excellent knife skills.

 

1) The Christmas villain: Ebenezer Scrooge

The merry movie: A Christmas Carol (1951)

Critiquing the creep: Why is Scrooge No. 1 on our list of villains? Because we say so, and so do a whole lot of other Christmas-loving folks.

“His name has become the very definition of miserliness, and even his favourite anti-Christmas catchphrase, ‘Bah! Humbug!’ has become infamous, despite it only appearing twice in his entire story,” People magazine explains.

Notes thinkadvisor.com: “Without Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, there just might not be the plethora of yuletide villains, including the Grinch, that abound at this time of year.” What we are talking about here is the original holiday gangster. “Taken from Charles Dickens’ classic tale and seen on TV and movie screens several times and in several iterations over the years, his image and behaviour have since become a part of the season itself. Scrooge may be the quintessential curmudgeonly old man, but he is ultimately guilty of lacking that holiday spirit.”

There are countless versions of Dickens’ most memorable tale out there, but the definitive one is the 1951 black-and-white classic wherein the incomparable Alastair Sim gives a masterful performance as Scrooge, a bitter miser given a chance for redemption by the ghost of his late partner, Jacob Marley, who was as selfish as Scrooge in life and has been condemned to an eternity of wandering the Earth in shackles. Marley informs Scrooge he will be visited by three spirits — the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come — on Christmas Eve. The ghosts take Scrooge on a deeply emotional tour of his life, forcing him to realize what a cold wretch he has become.

How cold? Well, Dickens wrote: “Oh! But he was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge! A squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner! Hard and sharp as flint from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; secret, and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster.”

Yikes! As you already know, Scrooge sees the light, redeems himself and keeps Christmas in his heart 365 days a year. So he’s the greatest holiday villain and hero rolled into one, and there’s nothing humbug about that. Or, as Tiny Tim would put it: “God bless us, everyone!”

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca