Roughing it (less)

I hate camping.

I loathe the very idea of leaving the comfort and safety of home to sleep in a random field, where not only will I be exposed to the elements, but will also be at the mercy of all manner of creatures, from ursine to canine to insectan.

I do not want to hike up a hill just to share one outdoor tap with 12 others, standing alongside them as I brush my teeth.

I do not want to queue for 15 minutes, then part with a $2 coin to wedge myself into a shower stall just to stand under a piddly stream of lukewarm water while trying my best to swiftly soap up and sponge off lest I irk the rapidly growing line of campers outside.

I do not want to do any kind of business in a porta-potty, nor do I want to share my cramped toilet with all manner of creepy-crawlies.

And I certainly do not want to sleep on the ground, no matter how many layers there may be between me and the damp, grassy floor.

No, thank you.

And yet there I was one weekend in June, doing all the things I swore I would never do.

Together with 21 tween girls (one of them my own) and six saintly women, I had stuffed a backpack with borrowed gear, and set off on my first ever Great Canadian Camping Trip to Spruce Woods Provincial Park, south of Carberry.

Readers, I’ve yet to recover.

I had researched to prepare myself for the waiting horrors, but nothing prepared me for the utter misery of having to stand outside, in the rain, a smile of forced jollity dredged up from the depths of my soul so my daughter, a first-time camper herself, remained excited, encouraged and enthusiastic, unlike her grumpy old mum.

Oh, the things we do for love.

If you, like me, find yourself agreeing to go camping, fear not: I have prepared what I like to call My Essential List for the Free Press: Seven Camping Must-Haves for People Who Hate Camping (but have somehow found themselves in the position of having to sleep outside).

DISCLAIMER: This list is for novices like me so don’t expect to find suggestions for cookware, tents and stoves. I will leave those guides to Manitoba’s expert campers.

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Top of my must-haves is NATPAT’s Ultimate Mosquito Repellent Bundle ($127 from natpat.com).

Forgive the hyberbole, but as someone who gets bitten on a regular basis, believe me when I say if I could cover myself in these stickers, I would; they’re that good. I’ve walked through swarms unscathed, without a single bite on my body.

Yes, this bundle is pricey, but you can opt to make your own picking from a wide choice of repellent and protection patches for the entire family. The Australian brand’s patches are easy to apply, with bright, colourful options for kids and more grown-up ones for adults.

There are also anti-woodtick versions for kids, adults and pets, plus itch-relief patches if you’ve somehow managed to get bitten between the time it took to open the packaging and apply your sticker. Reviews from my kid and her pals — I had lineups all weekend of children wanting their own — have been overwhelmingly positive. There are also slap bands, bracelets and a citronella coil set for use when not on the move.

Never in my life had I imagined a scenario where I would require a wearable blanket, but my life has changed, clearly, which is why I found myself gazing with something akin to envy as a fellow mom on the trip swanning about in her waterproof Below Zero wearable blanket ($44.99 until Aug. 2 from Costco Canada), toasty and warm as I shivered while sweating (yes, it happens) in my thin-hoodie-and-plastic-raincoat combo.

When it comes to sustenance on the go, I found packs of Harvest Snaps ($3.98, available at most grocery stores) are an excellent way to get vegetables into a diet of mostly S’mores, campfire chili and hot dogs. They come in a number of flavours, are a great alternative to potato chips and a fantastic savoury option if you’re tired of energy bars. Wash them down with a carton or pouch of juice that you’ve cleverly frozen before your trip so the boxes do double duty as ice-packs for your travel cooler. Once semi-thawed, the juice takes on the consistency of a slushie, a sugar-filled, ice-cold liquid treat to power you through all the hiking.

While hand sanitizers are great in most situations, there are times when only soap will do. Enter Canadian brand Nature Clean’s and Soap Sheets ($7.99 from pharmacies and grocery stores, check natureclean.ca for full list of retailers), which dissolve fully into a creamy lather once wet. The soap washes off without a trace, leaving behind nothing other than the slightest of essential oil fragrance. Pre-measured, there are around 80 biodegradable sheets which come packaged in a handy little reusable tin.

Next up in your bag should be a battery-operated desk or handheld fan to help with the humidity when there’s been a torrential downpour swiftly followed by blazing heat (inexpensive ones from dollar stores work as well as the dearer option, although the blades of the latter can sometimes be flimsy). Just make sure it uses batteries; while rechargable is great when you have access to electricity mains, battery is queen in the great outdoors.

Don’t forget to take a couple of empty little pill bottles. They work well as waterproof storage capsules for emergency matches, safety pins, bobby pins and hair ties. If you’re planning on cooking actual meals on a fire or camp stove, you can decant spices from home into each bottle and, presto, you’ve got a handy little mobile spice cupboard. The bottles are also a good container for cooking oil or somewhere to tuck away your emergency cash.

And last but not least, it’s a very good idea to take a small hatchet with you on your trip, something I learned from another mom on the trip. Often when you buy firewood at the campsite, the logs will be quite large — very challenging when you’re trying to start a fire for aforementioned S’mores, hot dogs and chili. You’ll need a handy hatchet to make small enough pieces for kindling to start the fire.

winnipegfreepress.com/avkitching