Be honest with self about broken engagement

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been engaged since Christmas, but now my fiancé does not want to go through with the wedding.

His old girlfriend was so shocked by our engagement, she has come back and wants another chance with him. He said he hoped I would understand because he had loved her since Grade 10. Now he says he realizes she truly is his forever love. I’ve been nauseated since then.

And get this: he says I can keep the diamond from the engagement ring and have it put into something else because he knew I loved it so much.

What an idiot. It wasn’t just a sparkly rock to me — it was a symbol of our forever love. When he tried to hand it back to me, I threw it in his face.

But now that I’ve thought about it, I want it back because as my friends pointed out, I could cash it in or sell it privately for a fair bit of money.

So I phoned my ex close to 15 times to give it back to me, and he just keeps saying: “Too late. It’s mine again and I’ll do whatever I want with it.”

The final time, he yelled, “This is harassment. Don’t ever contact me again or I’m calling the cops,” and sounded like he really meant it.

What gives? I’m the victim here. I don’t deserve all this pain. I hurt so much, I can’t even go to work, and sometimes I cry until I throw up. What should I do?

— Heartbreak Victim, West End

Dear Heartbreak Victim: Don’t let this rage on to the point your ex considers a legal response because you won’t stop calling and making threats. See your medical doctor ASAP and explain what’s going on with the maelstrom of painful emotions you’re dealing with and how down you feel.

Be honest about what you’ve already done in response to this upsetting situation — especially the embarrassing repeated calling. Ask for referrals, if necessary, to other professionals who can help you, and make sure to go see them.

Family can often help, too, if you let them, but you’ll have to let them know you’re in a real crisis. This is not the time to play things down.

Sometimes the answer to one sobering question to yourself can also help. For you it might be something along the lines of: “Would I really want to be married to a man who longs for and loves someone else instead?”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Is it a dumb move to say “I love you” for the first time on Valentine’s Day to a person you’ve only recently started dating?

If it is, what else could I say?

— Tongue-Tied Guy, Transcona

Dear Tongue-Tied: If it’s early days in the relationship and your new partner has never used the L-word toward you, then you might want to hold back on that yourself. It’s emotionally loaded and doesn’t go over well if the other person isn’t feeling it just yet.

Instead, you can praise them by deploying the L-word differently, as in “I love your sense of humour” or “I love the way you dance.” Or kiss, or laugh, or make love, whatever moves you. This could help you avoid a potentially awkward and painful experience at this early stage of your relationship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography