Just be there for mate confronting old trauma

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My semi-retired husband came home from the doctor looking green in the face. He got results from some tests. He said he’s going to lose his mind if he doesn’t make big changes soon.

First, he said he needs me to go back to work full time. I didn’t say anything, I just picked up my phone in front of him and called my former employer who loves my work. I told her I was ready to come back full time, and she said she was overloaded so I could start right away. I was happy and relieved.

But as I suspected, there was more to the problem. My man is on the verge of a mental-health breakdown. He’s an old-fashioned guy and wants to carry everybody and give them a good life, but he just can’t do it anymore. The doctor says my husband needs to rest starting months ago.

What can we do? There’s no money to go on a peaceful holiday, and he says his work — but not overwork — keeps him sane.

I know he carries bad memories of being abused at some point in his life and that trauma has never really been addressed. What now?

— Miserable, But Loving Wife, East Kildonan

Dear Loving Wife: What might be useful to a person like your husband is private counselling where he could unload and work on the combination of his issues without including you — for most of the time, anyway.

A referral from a medical doctor to a psychiatrist would mean sessions with that professional would be covered by provincial health and the doctor could also prescribe medication, if needed. But it might take time to get in to see someone.

A psychologist would be easier to access, but that can cost you money. Check to see if your husband has a medical insurance plan through his employer that may cover the cost.

You might reassure him that nothing that happened to him in the past would ever stop you from loving him.

You may think that’s unnecessary to say at this point in his life, but traumatic memories from the past can come back to haunt a person, leaving them feeling very vulnerable.

The bottom line is a number of difficult issues need to come out and it may not be easy for either of you to deal with them in order to find a new peace. However, it needs to be done.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Our new boss at work is an older guy coming back out of retirement, and he often says with a smile: “You can call me sir, as in ‘Yes, sir.’”

We are secretly in stitches about this, but we don’t know whether to laugh and salute him, or just not say anything.

What do you think?

— Not in the Army, Weston

Dear Not in the Army: This may be the new boss’s idea of a little joke. You would be wisest to ask someone from middle management if he truly means it or not, and how you should respond to him next time. It’s likely they don’t know it’s going on, so tell them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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