Niagara calls

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/03/2025 (204 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Boarding a Toronto-based tour bus to Niagara Falls, Margie and I scored front seats — to get there sooner.

Our driver announced to chattering international passengers, “My name is Adam Nice. I’m friendly and open.” He added, “It’s a really cold -11 C. Santa lives near here. Take Yonge Street, keep going, and it’s the North Pole!”

Yonge Street — a.k.a. “the Longest Street in the World” — actually ends at the town of Rainy River, Ont. They won’t find Santa there. He visits for just one night. But at Rainy River Bakery & Restaurant, they will find renowned whipped cream-filled Long Johns, so Adam’s travel advice isn’t all for naught.

Earnest birders try luring visitors to Niagara Falls by calling it “Gull Capital of the World.” Most folks stick with “Honeymoon Capital of the World.” There’s a ring to it.

I snickered along our route seeing signs promoting Tarbutt Construction, Sico Paints and Gyptech. There’s Bled Hall and Ball’s Falls. When I explained my snickering, Margie reminded me, “You’re not in Grade 6.” Then I read aloud a sign in the city of Niagara Falls announcing “Fork You Restaurant.” Margie sternly looked straight ahead. I responded, “What!? It’s true!” She sternly looked straight ahead.

A busy souvenir shop called Maple Leaf Place displays a huge canoe, a big moose and a Mountie, plus a big moose that’s also a Mountie, along with maple-coated “Canadian Moose Nuts” in packages flaunting an embarrassed moose covering his privates. Canada shines here.

Find maple tea, maple hot sauce, maple butter and — yum! — maple beer. We bellied up to a bar. Our bartender served sample flights of — not my maple beer — but maple syrup. After downing free, delicious house-made golden, amber and dark potions, I boisterously proclaimed, “I will just sow myshelf out.”

This region is the world’s ice-wine capital — and apparently the ice-wine tea capital. What’s next? Ice-wine salmon, ice-wine jelly, even ice-wine maple candy? Oh, they’re available now?

North of the falls, the Niagara River rushes through a deep gorge. The water is a sediment-laden green. Every day is St. Patrick’s Day. Enjoy a “gorges” view.

The river hits a meander that creates the Niagara Whirlpool. Seasonally, the Whirlpool Aero Car crosses this turbulent river bend on cables — momentarily above New York State, to Ontario again and returning over New York State. Back home, riders report, “I am a frequent visitor to New York.”

We then entered Skylon Tower. From this mini CN Tower, survey the three unique falls that comprise Niagara Falls. The modest Bridal Veil Falls and the wider American Falls tumble onto mounds of ice-encased boulders. The highlight is the broad, circular emerald cascade of Canada’s Horseshoe Falls. What a great introduction to this mesmerizing phenomenon of mist and might. And money-making.

We paid for a Photoshopped picture showing Margie and me going over the falls in an open barrel, grasping our tuques and screaming. This pic later evoked a terribly worried look from our little grandson. He still says “You slided down that river!” Psst: we only share the photo privately with local readers because, if Niagara Regional Police uncover it, there’s a maximum $10,000 fine for going over the falls. (I doubt it’s a cash grab; of the 20-plus people going over annually, most don’t pay. And you can figure out why.)

Without boat rides in winter, our tour included the Journey Behind the Falls. Spooky tunnels lead to whooshing, ice-packed action. Low mid-winter flows mean you don’t get soaked on the outdoor platform, but it’s more like a Journey Beside the Falls.

We recommend window seats in the Table Rock House Restaurant. Adam arranged to pick us up in two hours. I exclaimed to our server, “This must be the best restaurant view anywhere!” He grinned, “Plus you get the best Mike anywhere!”

Enjoying perfect wedge salads and crispy chicken sandwiches — we stared beyond ice-encased shrubs and railings at Horseshoe Falls just metres away. Margie finally urged, “Gord, it’s time to go!”

If one of the world’s most powerful thundering spectacles isn’t enough, indulge in 4,600 slot machines at two casinos, or Clifton Hill’s bombastic family attractions where Margie blurted, “I’m shocked!”

Behold Ripley’s Odditorium (“The weirdest attraction in Niagara Falls”); The Fun House (“Niagara’s one and only fun house”); and Big Top Maze (“Niagara’s grandest mirror-maze adventure”).

Find Niagara Freefall (“Canada’s first indoor skydiving facility”); Fallsview (“North America’s largest indoor waterpark”); Bird Kingdom (“World’s largest indoor free-flying aviary”); and Nightmares Fear Factory (“The world’s most frightening experience”).

Plus, discover Locomoland, Skywheel, Upside Down House, The Haunted House, House of Frankenstein, Zombie Attack, Carnival Chaos, Ghost Blasters and The Crystal Caves (“Some even make it out.”) Beware of “falls” advertising.

From the sublime to the ridiculous, Niagara Falls deserves its place on bucket lists. A longer visit made our list, although Adam’s one-day tour is delightful. And when I asked, “Are you actually Mr. Nice?” he cryptically replied, “I try.”

We all left Adam tips. A child gave him stickers. He exclaimed, “I’ll cherish these all my life!” And we’ll cherish our memories likewise.

gordmackintosh9@gmail.com