Evil squirrels hide behind cute disguise

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/01/2020 (2115 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Call me paranoid if you must, but I am warning everyone within the sound of my voice to be on the lookout for squirrels behaving in a suspicious manner.

As regular readers are already aware, over the last decade I have written literally dozens of columns warning that squirrels — and I am talking about extremist squirrels here — are clearly plotting the imminent downfall of humankind.

Surprisingly, I have still not received a major journalism award for dozens of groundbreaking columns chronicling the fact that squirrels pose a far greater hazard to our power grid than human terrorists do.

For the record, international terrorists have been blamed for zero power outages, whereas a rogue, possibly suicidal squirrel, caused a series of year-end blackouts in North Bay, Ont., that left citizens briefly in the dark.

“Blame the squirrel!” is what The North Bay Nugget newspaper advised readers. “According to North Bay Hydro the outages are due to a squirrel on the line.”

As alarming as I found that news, the report also contained information suggesting that squirrels are no longer working alone in their quest for world domination.

“This isn’t the first time an animal has caused power disruptions,” the North Bay Nugget reported. “In September, a power outage on Worthington St. E. was caused by a fish that had been dropped on a transformer.”

The paper does not say what type of fish was responsible for the blackout, but that is not the point. No, the point is it is time we humans started to take squirrel-related mayhem seriously.

If you think I’m merely joking around in a light-hearted manner, take a moment to check out Cyber Squirrel 1, an alarming website featuring a database of incidents wherein squirrels and other cute creatures have knocked out the power grid.

The website features an official-looking map chronicling blackouts around the world dating to 1987, along with links to stories about the incidents.

It lists 1,252 squirrel-related outages, 639 caused by birds, 117 involving snakes, 115 where raccoons were the culprits, 13 featuring (wait for it) jellyfish and only three in which humans took the blame, including one involving a Hannah Montana balloon.

If it were only the power grid at risk, I would not be quite so alarmed, but the grim reality is that squirrels have begun to diversify their attacks and are now taking the fight to our front doorsteps, at least in Atlanta.

I am referring to terrifying news reports about a young couple, Kari and Dustin Drees, who returned from a vacation to visit family over the holidays recently only to discover their suburban Atlanta home had been reduced to a shambles.

The home invader — and if you haven’t figured out its species, I am sadly disappointed — was a rogue squirrel who apparently entered the home via the chimney and then caused an estimated $15,000 in damage trying to get back out.

According to the Washington Post — one of many prestigious news outlets waking up to the burgeoning squirrel threat — the couple opened their front door and found “wood chippings littered the foyer like confetti. Soot soiled the living room and the couch. The wooden window frames had been gnawed.”

They heard the faucet running in the kitchen and feared a burglar was hiding somewhere in the house. According to the Post, Kari stayed outside with their baby, while Dustin went in to investigate, following a trail of soot ― until it dawned on him: It wasn’t a trail of footprints, but of little paw prints, starting from the chimney and leading to nearly every room in the house.

“He ran across the couch, ran through the dining room. It even went in the bathroom, somehow got in the toilet, and then went in our daughter’s room,” Dustin, 30, told the Post. “He was just trying to figure out a way out of the house.”

According to literally dozens of breathless online news report, the young couple will have to replace almost every window in their house after the squirrel, in his desperate escape attempts, chewed away the panelling and in some cases poked tiny holes in the glass.

He pooped on their beds and on the couch, where he made a nest, and on the counters and floors. He gnawed off the wood on the door and window frames and indoor shutters. Amazingly, the couple thinks, he flicked on the kitchen faucet while apparently trying to leap for the window above the sink.

The good news is that the squirrel responsible was apprehended by animal control officers and is no doubt awaiting trial on a wide variety of charges. The bad news is that, when they reported the freak incident, the couple learned their insurance does not cover rodent-related damage.

Still in the Deep South, comes a report from WSMV-TV in Nashville, which recently posted online a 23-second video clip of a squirrel brazenly perched on a fence and stuffing its face with a slice of purloined pizza. The TV station likened the bushy-tailed bandit to the infamous “Pizza Rat,” which shot to fame after being filmed dragging a slice through the New York City subway system.

One thing has become painfully obvious — in their quest for world domination, squirrels have abandoned the power grid and are now openly targeting human homes along with our favourite junk foods.

The time for remaining calm is past, which is why I am recommending everyone begin to panic, perspire heavily and wring their hands. Go ahead and ignore my warnings if you want, but that would make you nuts, which means you’re the next one on their hit list.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca